Acension

Sometimes he leaves me lonely. Sometimes he says he'll help with something and doesn't. He spends too much time on the internet and doesn't know how to help clean without being asked. He doesn't listen to me sometimes and he interrupts me what feels like ALL THE TIME. He fucks up often.
    But when he smiles my heart beats a little faster and I have to smile too. His laugh gives me butterflies. Just looking at him does too. I think he's gorgeous. For the past seven years I've constantly been depressed and anxious only learning to tolerate it or numb all my emotions with pills. Also a gratuitous amount of self mutilation. Now when im upset I crave his arms around me instead of a blade. I want his comforting voice and not self destruction. No matter how angry I am as soon as he gets upset everything inside me goes soft and im able to realize im not angry at him, im angry because im sad. I realize I've never been angry at him.
   When he holds me, no matter how im feeling or not feeling, its warm and soft and safe. And while he's holding me it hurts less. The relief from constant emotional agony is heavenly.  Its only been a little over seven months and he's made me a better person and healed so much pain I've been holding onto some from when I was a child. He doesn't think very highly of himself. And even with all of his miniscule flaws I worship him. "I embrace your defects to admit you were my every wish."
   He gave me the courage to believe in my dreams no matter how unrealistic they are he encourages it. He makes me feel like I can do anything and everything. He lets me be free. He trusts me. I trust him more then I ever thought I could trust anyone. Words can not describe this feeling. Its like being buried in a hole my whole life and he helped me find the sunshine.
   The best part? I dont depend on him. He doesn't depend on me. We support each other. We respect each other. If we upset each other its always on accident and never on purpose and there's always an "im sorry" and comforting on the other side.  When I upset him I get sad and vice versa.
   I love this man. And he loves me.
   My Afterman. I will wait for you always. If you go on a dangerous adventure let me go too. If you disappear I will search for you. If you dont know how to show love I will learn with you. If you need to find yourself I will wait, patiently.
   I will never leave. I will never let go. I am yours.

What is love?

I let him hurt me. I let him hit me and I was absolutely sure it was my fault. I lived in a world of screaming. Him screaming at me, sometimes id scream back. Mostly I was silent.
  I lived in a world of fear, a world of isolation. If I said "Hi" too friendly I might be fucking him. If I said "Hi" at all I was a whore.
  We were "in love". At least that's what I told myself. He was so sweet and so kind when he wasn't ripping me down. Looking back its hard to understand how I forgot the bad things so easily. How I just forgive the fists pounding next to my face. The pinning me down so I couldn't leave. How did I so easily forget those words that hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before.
   I was just out of hugh school, stupid, female and he gave me attention.
   Oh yes we were in love, I wore a diamond ring and any money he got he immediately spent on me. Love was sleeping in the same bed. Love was crying after you hit her or pushed her or scared her until she was a tear filled mess on the floor. Love was apology after apology after "you're my world I'd die without you". Love taught me to stay silent. Because if I told my friends a little about the fights, they'd be angry at him. And then he'd be angry at you because "you wanted them to hate him. You dont really love him".
   Love needed you to prove your love over and over. Love found attention somewhere else. Love thought you were a whore and love, never really loved you now did he?

Conclusion

   There's no such thing as "true love" there's no "one and only" no "soulmate". If there were, love wouldn't be so recycled. You'd find the person and you'd just know. You think you Love someone. You obsess and float on light fluffy clouds. Then days, months, years later you realize it wasn't Love. It was lust or loneliness naivety or stupidity that convinced you it was.  I never floated on clouds before. It just made me less sad. love doesn't fix problems. love can't make promises. And love hates to stick around. Love is more pain then pleasure. Love is selfish. I thought Love would fill something in me, but more often than not Love stole from me things I wasn't yet willing to give. But I thought I had to because I was told that's what Love is.
   Love is not sex. Love is not money. Love is not pure.
   When I was little I was promised there'd be someone who loved me and only me. That one day we'd look at each other and just know and live happily ever after. I guess I got sick of waiting. I realized that I will never get the one person that only loves me because everyone has already "been in love".
   I don't think I was ever "in Love" before. How can you really know? I don't think it's really Love if it ends. Then it's just love. Borderline useless. Faltering, false. Love is about change. Love makes you change and Love has changed me. I am new I am unwavering, I am no longer selfish in my quest for love.
   I know what Love is now. But does he?

Things I used to like

I miss feeling like I had a partner. I miss never being alone. I miss the constant attention, the questions of how I am, how things are. I miss the endless texts useless "now im just sitting here bored." I miss not having enough room to sleep. Being too hot. Being squished. I miss feeling important. Like the only thing that matters. I miss the devotion. I miss feeling like half of a pair. A lot of times now, it feels like its just me. A part-time lover. I'm lonely.

If it weren't for you

I'd disappear.

Dear diary

one of the main definitions of a disability is whether it affects your ability to lead a normal life... I try so hard. I'm always trying my hardest. Depression keeps me from cleaning and when things aren't clean it spikes my anxiety and worsens my depression. I hate when others clean because I need it done JUST RIGHT and if it isn't JUST RIGHT I have to redo it. And its almost always not right. I try to let things go. I cant. They drill through my head "DONT DO THAT DONT DO THAT. ITS NOT CLEAN ITS NOT SAFE ITS NOT CLEAN YOURE DOING IT WRONG YOUR DOING IT WRONG. YOURE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP. I CANT EAT OFF THAT that's wrong." I freak out and I dont know why. I touch food that's been sitting in the sink and it grosses me out so bad I want to cry and I have no reason to. I leave a pop out for ten minutes and if I dont keep track of it I cant drink it anymore because it might be "contaminated" Ryan asks what that means and what's wrong with it and I never have a reason. I get sick looking at food sometimes. Wondering if "something" got on it and I dont know. If it doesn't look right I won't eat it if its sat there for more then fifteen minutes I cant eat it. I sometimes am so scared im gaining weight the thought of food makes me sick. I'm paranoid I smell because I never have enough time to hang up clothes. I'm scared there's terrible things hidden in my room buried under the clothes I hate sitting or laying on anything because I feel like like im going to get something on me. Some days these things dont bother me. Mostly I try to deal with it. They dont understand. I dont understand. I need help but I either dont have the time or energy. I'm a slave to fear and depression and it takes everything just to do normal shit. I need help. And I dont know how to ask. How do I explain what I dont understand?

Haunted

I don't have anything interesting to say. I usually dont. I saw my biological grandma yesterday its been like I don't know nine years or something. Realized what a huge cat person she is :3 must run in the family :). Saw pictures of my bio mom made me sad that I'll never get to know her the way I want to... I kind of want to meet my dad. That's if he's even still alive. I've been thinking a lot of my past lately. What are the things my life is built on? What has been done to me. Where do I come from? Am I even ready to find out?
Must be getting closer if im not trying to avoid it anymore
.

I'm a liar

I say I don't have a problem with food. I lied.
I lied because I don't want another thing about me to remind you of her.
I lied because I know there's nothing wrong with me but I can't stand having that little bit extra.
I lied because you get mad when I accidentally complain.
I lied because I was afraid you'd look down on me more.
I lied because I know you will.
I lied because I've been denying it for years, because even I believed me.
I lied because I'm not on my deathbed so it isn't bad right?
I lied because I want other people to feel good about themselves, because I think everyone's body type is beautiful, except my own.
I'm not her.
I'm not her.
I'm not her.
I'm not her.
I'm me.
I'm Charlotte.
I don't want to eat anymore.
I want my old perfection.
I want to feel like there's less of me and I'm that much closer to disappearing. Like then maybe no one will look at me. 
I know I'm too skinny. I know.
I'm not anorexic. I eat food.
I'm not her.

I'm not.

No matter what

   I always feel like, not that my life is boring, but that it's meaningless. I say I want experiences but for the most part I'm inexperienced. I get hurt too easy. I listen to my head too much and get sad. Curiosity killed the cat and I search for my own destruction.
   I always say pain is my companion. I think it's nice. I think those words are beautiful because if anything,


I'll never be alone.


  I'm afraid of disappearing and yet that's all I want in this world. I'm afraid of being too attached because no matter what it will hurt the entire time. They say love hurts. But I think they only mean after they break your heart, for me it hurts all the time. The worst pain comes when I'm happy because my mind has to stomp me down again. You don't deserve happy.
  I'm always afraid. I don't think it will ever end. Sometimes I want to die not because of I hate myself but simply because I can't live in my head anymore.
   I don't want to be an alcoholic or be addicted to drugs but sometimes I look at the people who were/are and think to myself "They honestly don't give a fuck. Sure they have shitty lives but they don't realize it most of the time. I have a shitty life and it's constantly on my mind."
  But then I think of all the people I love and the ones who look up to me.
  And I can't be that selfish.
   I love my cat. I love my family and I love my boyfriend, I hate my conscience the way it likes keeping me miserable. I'm always fighting myself. And looking for more ways to hurt which just turns into this sick cycle of self-abuse and shame.
   I don't let people know how I feel. I'm usually not happy. I'm an entertainer. I'm not smiley and bubbly and chirpy because that's who I am. I do it for you.
   In all reality I'm a hermit stuck in my own head. I live in a world of pretend. I'm moody, I don't like being around people that much and I'd much rather be alone and mope.
  But at the same time I can't. I want to be out there doing things trying to keep myself from self destruction.

I'm trapped in my world of inconsistencies.

One day I hope to be free.

Fear

I cried at work today. My boyfriends car broke and I had to spend $200 to put insurance on mine so that we can get to work and back. I won't have money for rent and definitely not for the $350 electricity bill. I'm selling my underwear online. I do everything to save money and its never enough. I'm scared. Help.

Weekend cleaning

Being an adult isn't fun. I hate working and I hate being home. The only time I feel ok is when I'm actually spending time with him or sleeping. We dont spend much time together. I wish I had more. I wish I didn't feel like sometimes I'm doing this alone. Like I'm a maid or a mom. I hate feeling like I cant do the things I want because you disapprove when everything I do already is for you. I hate feeling like a disappointment when I'm trying my hardest. I hate these bitter feelings of while everyone does what they want and get to have ten times more fun then me I get shit for every little thing I do wrong. I hate feeling unappreciated and like just the biggest cunt because I get upset. I hate when you think its ok to hang out with two random girls in the middle of the night because I don't say anything. I hate saying something is ok even when it really isn't, when I'm actually very upset but I never say anything. I hate the way you think you're better then me. I hate feeling like a piece of shit. I hate feeling like I'm giving up parts of me because I cant stand when you're upset or sad. I hate feeling like I shouldn't say these things because you'll get upset.

I dont want to upset you.

I love you no matter what. I can handle all these things. The one thing I can't stand is you not being happy. I'd rather be miserable then not see you smile. I am your martyr. I can sacrifice myself for your happiness because when you're happy then I feel like living isn't that bad. Maybe I'm too giving, maybe I should be more selfish. Maybe I should stop tormenting myself with things that hurt. But I don't know any other way besides silence. Nothing is perfect except you. If I can hold your perfection for even five minutes a day then that's all I need. Misery is my companion it'll never let me go.

Sometimes you scare her away.

Apology

I say stupid shit when im upset. Sometimes its just aimless ramblings. Fear leads my life and sometimes my words flow without me thinking. I am two people. Pernicious, and me. The real me.

Don't look at me.

I like looking at cute little romantic pictures from the past that aren't mine. I like the way it makes me hurt.I like the harsh slap of reality to wake me yp from dreaming.To remind me that I'm not really all tha special and all those sweet words originally were for someone else.
  I'm a romantic. I want all that stupid cliche bullshit. I don't want echoes of a first love. I want my own memories untainted by the idea that this has all been done before, just with someone else. I don't want to be the runner up. The fall back from Eden crumbling. Pictures of goofy faces and a flase sense of being close. I don't feel like a girlfriend. It's more like a best friend with benefits you live with.
   That's ok too I guess.
   Romance is a dead ideal replaced with sex. Because we all know sex equals love.
  Growing up killed "romance". You get off work and try to not to anything so you can "destress" or there's shit that needs to be done like paying bills or cleaning. 
   I don't know you. You don't know me. It's playing at pretend. These feelings exist but without anything concrete to stand on it might as well be the childish "love". 
   I used to think I'm sad because I think too much. Maybe the problem is I don't think enough. This idea that if I ignore all the things that bother me that they can't hurt me anymore is failing. I knew it would.
  

  But pretending is so much easier.

  I'm bombarded with memories good, bad. No matter what I do I can't escape myself. I can't fight against these invading thoughts mocking me. I can't shut them up with cutting or medication. They will always be here the best I can do is ignore them or abuse myself. Which neither actually help. I want to lose weight I want to get rid of my "happy chub". I want to whittle me away slowly. I feel like there's too much. Like if I keep eating the way I do I'm going to get fat. My worst fears? Suffocation and getting fat. Confessions are hard. I have a problem. I hate food. I hate needing it to survive. I miss the days I could eat something small and be good. I feel like when I have food in my stomach I'm disgusting. I feel impure and I hate it.
  Worst of all is I know it's wrong and I'm fighting it but at the same time I just want to give up.

Accept Me

2/27/13 "I was made to disobey"

I wish above all things that expressing myself wasn't "against society" that instead of toning down what I think is beautiful people wouldn't get offended by who I am. I live by the belief if we were all just a bit less judgmental there would be more happiness in the world. 

   I want those pretty colors of hair I want an appropriate amount of metal in my face and I want my body to be my canvas. But I can't do that with the jobs I get. I can't do that and still look "respectable". I see that lady walking down the street in her ankle length dress. I give her props for not tripping all over that shit like I would. She on the other hand, crosses the street as soon as she sees me... I pretend she just needs to be there. 

  I like piercings. Not excessively. I don't like a million in your face. There's actually only a few basic one's I'd like. I like tattoos, But I'll only get one if it really means something to me, and I HATE the vulgar ones. 

  I want to have alternative colored hair. Is that really that offensive?

What is so offensive about me?

  I see people carrying around little dogs in their purses. Men who spend more effort on their looks then me. Women wearing barely anything and just general grungy, skanky, or stuck up styles.

   You don't see me walking around muttering "freak" or "fagg*t".

   I don't stare at you when you walk past. And I also notice when you try to avoid me. 

I'm not scary, I promise. I don't worship the devil in fact I'm Christian. I love kids and animals and sunshine. I'm just like you without all the extra comtempt. 

Whatever and whoever you are I think it's great when you flaunt it.

So why can't I flaunt who I am inside?

Accept Me. 

The way I accept everyone I see.

For my mom

It's mother's day so here's what I wrote my mom.

You taught me so many things. Don't stare at the headlights of oncoming traffic when driving at night. Protein is the best when you're hungry. Words of wisdom I use every day and think of you. Most of all you taught me what love was and how to recognize when it isn't. You taught me how to be strong. And I had the strongest woman I knew as a role-model. My mom. You know my strengths and weaknesses you helped me understand them, conquer them and accept that some of them I cannot change.You taught me how to love myself despite my flaws. You know I'm bad at showing love and you taught me that it's ok.

                                                                          Mom,

                                                                                       I love you.

This guy

Is perfection.

Gorgeous as fuck

<3

Clarity

Sometimes you think you know who or how someone is but they take you completely by surprise. Just because they aren't who you expected does that mean things should change? I dont think so.
If the fogs lifted that doesn't mean the fantasy's over. Annonimity hasn't died.

Lets play pretend.


Thoughts?

Enigmatic E

Though I admit I'm incredibly curious I respect your privacy. BUT IM SO CURIOUS. The only clue I have right now is you're male... How much did I use to talk to you or was it a one time deal? I like this mystery. It makes things fun :3. How long have you known me? Do you read my poetry? O.o

My childhood

   They say my biological mom loved me and my siblings. I wouldn't know. I never knew her. They said she wanted to raise us. I wouldn't have thought that. In between the foster homes, abuse, neglect and the broken promises telling us "Mommy's sick" which now I can assume meant mommy was wasted or in the psych ward again.

   But I loved her. I still do with that sick, blind devotion so cruelly hardwired in the human psyche.

   Daddy never existed. I vaguely remember meeting him once but for all I know the tall man had affection for was just another dream my childhood imagination conjured up to soothe the wounds of being last in everyone's list of priorities. I was the "good" kid easy to set aside. Maybe that's why I do so many bad things.

Don't forget me.

   I didn't need to be under watch all the time. My siblings were more then handfuls. They were nuclear bombs one small too-hard nudge and you were done for. I was easy to forget in the flood of their hostility.

I didn't mind the freedom

   The over independence that came with it is a bitch thought. I still don't ask for help even if I really need it, I don't even accept it well.

   When I got adopted everything changed. Eventually "mother" and "father", words that I never knew how to pronounce, evolved into mom and dad and soon to Mama and Papito. 

Dance, Dance

   Once upon a time there was a girl who grew up with being told she was worthless.
                      She believed them.
   She had dreams she never believed in. Hopes she thought were hopeless and love that even if she was brave enough to share, always ended in heartbreak.
   She met a boy, and he was wonderful. But she knew she'd never be worthy of his affection. They went their separate ways.
   Him with his arms around another...
   She never stopped thinking about him...
   She fell in "love" with a phantom. Who bled her dry and disappeared.
                      She was worthless.
   Next came the hunter looking for a pet. With treats and coaxing she was locked away. He was so sweet sometimes but so vicious.
          She was scared.
                       She was trapped.
   Just as quickly as he disappeared the boy reappeared. Except now he had become a man.
   She began to get to know him. Really know him.
                       Silently she worshiped him.
   She watched him from behind her glass wall not knowing he was watching her from behind his own.
   She wanted to be closer to him. To touch his face. She wanted to bask in the sunlight of his smile, if only for a moment.
                      She wanted to be his.
                                            But she didn't deserve it.
   She joked of living together wishing they could, knowing they couldn't.
                      One day he said yes.
   He broke his glass wall and she was afraid.
   Until one day when she fogged up the glass

                                                                  he drew a heart on it.

And it shattered...

   Against all expectations I am in your arms. I'm not scared anymore.

I'm worthy.

Six Billion Secrets

I cut myself because I've been abused for so long I dont know how else to be.

I'm scared to love because everytime I had love for anything or anyone things would fall apart.

I'm constantly waiting for the next time life fucks me over.

I hate the way I look. Not because I think I'm ugly but because sometimes that's all anyone can see.

I'm afraid to end up a statistic. Whether its becoming unmarried and pregnant, an addict or abuser.

I run away from good things in my life because they always end sooner or later.

I'm selfish.

I'm an asshole because I'm afraid people will realize how weak and sensitive I actually am.

I laugh away pain because I don't know any other way.

I pretend I dont care about anything truth is I probably care a lot more then you'd ever guess.

I feel like a whore because of all the people that have taken advantage of me sexually... I feel like I could've done more to stop them.

 I keep so many secrets because I'm scared if people knew they'd be scared of how fucked up my lifes been or they'll lose interest in me.

I'm afraid to gain weight because I've always been the "tiny girl" and that it'd make me less appealing.

I take so many pictures and keep so many things because I'm afraid of forgetting.

I'll never think I'm good enough because that's all I was told when I was little.

the only reason I stay alive is for the people who care about me otherwise I hate living.

I dont know who I am.

Fuck

I broke up with Adam today. Also in a lot of physical pain. I'm generally being stupid and moving way too fast and I dont know why. I hate myself more then ever. Fuck everything, seriously. Maybe I should just whore around. I dont have any real respect for myself, not anymore. Everything good eventually turns to shit. Hoping is worthless dreams are painful and "love" is bullshit. Sorry for this shitty post. I have nothing else besides shit I dont need a job that's worthless and a dwindling will for life. Take this meek offering of a peek into my life and know its better being you than me.

edit: Dear E (I assume that's what I'm to call you?) Bad things have happened sorry I've been stressed but I'll try to post some pics of my cat for you :)

why you shouldn't date me

1) I have an attachment disorder which means commitment issues and trouble showing affection
2) I like guys more as friends which isn't good if you're the jealous tyoe
3) also guys hit on me more then even if care for
4) I'm extremely independent. Also an introvert at heart
5) depression, anxiety, and bordeline personality disorder meaning there would be periods of time where I'd withdraw rather then lash out at you
6) I have too much pride I could be struggling and you'd never know
7) I'm stubborn :3
8) I'd rather ignore problems or feelings then confront them
9) sometimes I like to go out and do something, anything which isn't bad for house cats
10) I will try my best to convince you not to date me because I hate myself

Hmm....

Purty sure this will just be some random shit.
Jobs going well... Pretty mundane.

And.... BAM!! Cause you know "Charlotte's Web" hurr hurr.

Also purty sure my hairs going to fall out this was all in the last few months :/ Don't judge me!

 

It was red for a while but work thought it was too "pink" D: I've been trying to paint again also

It's not finished yet. I've been having back pain for a while from work. Sooo doing things is hard rofl. Soon I shall be getting churro's man parts snipped. Really nothing else to say. Sooo...

Today I will blather on about... I don't think I've talked about anorexia. I understand the idea to get skinny the easy way. I'm not quite sure how to go about this so first I will give my uplifting/don't do it speech then I will rant...

I am a skinny gal. I always have been I don't look at it as some sort of wonderful thing. I constantly have people telling me to eat more bitching me out for being "anorexic" and what not. When I was in high school it was hard. I don't have the beautiful curves and I'm barely an A-cup. I look at these girls killing themselves and I only half understand. At one point in time when I started gaining a little weight, I was scared. For so much of my life I was the "tiny" one the one people would pick up just because I was small enough that they could. It became my identity.I regret ever thinking that. I'm at the point now that when I had originally started working and hit 95 I was scared. I wasn't a little girl any more I knew all the problems that come with being underweight and I deal with them every day. 

If you think you're "fat" and anorexia is your only choice know that I'm not even that bad and I deal with passing out if I don't eat. I have an irregular heartbeat that hits me and makes me exhausted  even if I'm sitting down. etc.

Rant time because that other crap is boring

The whole idea of starving yourself to be perfect is in all honesty stupid as fuck. You look like shit you feel like shit and then YOU FUCKING DIE. Great way to end life your body eats your heart. So brutal. If you think you're so fat go on a fucking diet and work to be skinny. Some of you may even be stuck with your body type. It's literally HOW YOU WERE MADE TO BE. The reason diets don't work is because once you get your ideal weight you'll have to keep up on dieting FOREVER because your body has a set weight/body fat it wants to be at. Anorexia is the laziest fucking thing I've ever heard of. "I want it fast and easy so why not just starve myself?" That shit's bull and you need to grow up or get some fucking help.

I understand people get a mental disorder and it become's an actual addiction but get over yourself and get some help. If you want to starve yourself because of shit other people say then just remember, FUCK THEM. They aren't you so their opinion DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER.

The End.

Reply to Anonymous

 Hey there first comment. Actually I've been slightly "pursuing" my dream as of late I'm planning on buying a mic and I already have two cover videos on youtube and will be possibly collabing with someone :3 decided I might as well give it a shot the worst that can happen is some douche says I suck :)

Rant #1

You know what I'm sick of? Society and advertisements that make me believe I'm not beautiful and that my body isn't the right shape and size. The idea that that shit will inspire me to look better or buy their bullshit products is not something I want to deal with. I don't want to be out with my boyfriend and wonder if he thinks the model on the cover of that magazine is "hotter" then me. I'm tired of comparing myself and I know FOR A FACT he's tired of me thinking he's comparing me to them when he's not. You know why I'm not all "America fuck yeah!"? Because of the people that like making me feel like shit because in America it's the norm to flaunt the idea that normal people are unattractive. And I'm sick of all these fucking videogames that are softcore porn.

Confessions?

   I would love to make one answering random strangers from the internets questions buuuut... Oh you know. These are taken from multiple different places.

Loved someone who treated you badly
       When haven't I?

Confess, are you friends with anyone you secretly dislike?
       Rofl not really "dislike" persay but yeah I have a friend or two that I'm not that fond of.

Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
   A barn.

In a guy...

Long Hair or Short Hair?
   Long, long, long, long long

Clean-cut or Rough?
   Rough :3 I don't like a boring guy

Depression

   I don't know why I bother sometimes. I don't know why I care so much. I don't know how to organize these thoughts. I don't know what I feel and which of it is real. Am I real? I've been asked that before... I don't know how to answer that. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm here. Like right now. My hands are moving typing out the thoughts that flow through my head. But when nothing I do or say really matters then who's to say I exist? If I were to die eventually all memory of me would die too. 

   I don't know what I'm saying.

   I work then sleep and work again. 

   I'm not happy.

   I want to be. I don't know how to get back there again. I love him but I feel like I'm just waiting for him to get pissed off again or depressed. I play and have fun but I'm just waiting for the next bomb to fall.

   I feel like shit around him. And it's not just because of him. It's because of me. Because I can't forgive myself it's hurting him which in turn hurts me. It's like this never ending cycle of pain. I don't know how to break it because I know the only person I can never forgive is myself.

   The problem will never be that I don't care. I always care and usually care too much. I can't help it. Thank god no one actually reads these :3 I'd be so embarrassed. I suppose it helps quell the desire within me to whine and complain about this shit to someone without going against my nature of hiding it all.

   I wouldn't know what to say anyway...

   I suck at talking to people. I will jokingly say shit that's real. And hope they don't realize I mean it. I'm scared to let people close still. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid to get close to someone and they won't care as much about me as I do them. That's happened enough to me. I feel stupid. Even more by typing this lame shit down. I know there are people who won't judge me. And I guess a part of me hates them. I just want to slap them for trying to get me to believe in shit again. 

   I don't believe in anything really. The whole idea that you can achieve your dreams? Yeah I call bullshit. the idea that love is some magical thing that will shield you from pain? It tries and sometimes works but it's definitely not what I'd fall back on.

   The only thing I'll rely on is myself.

   Hello internet. Have you ever been super conflicted. In a "stuck between a rock and a hard place" kind of way? I seem to be there a lot myself. I don't know if it's because I'm dramatic or if I just really suck at desicion making. I also tend to want the wrong things even if I know it'll be bad for me so I can't always tell what SHOULD be the answer and what I just WANT to be the answer. 

   I am independent... Or at least i was. He is very dependant. Which drives me crazy sometimes. I love him and he loves me but sometimes I wonder if he really does or if he's just trying really hard too.

I wouldn't love me.

A New Cover from my Youtube Channel :3

Here you guys go. And by guys I mean no one. LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!  

memories

My phantom. What a perfect name for you. A silly endearment I made because of what you wrote on the wall when we first kissed. 'Forsaken' the perfect song, the lyrics once sweet now just a bitter reminder. I remember watching The Phantom of the Opera over and over just because it was your favorite. Funny enough I fell in love with it. I haven't watched it in over two years.

I still think of you I don't know why. Its like that favorite song stuck in your head you once loved but instead of being annoying it just hurts.

"What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat I'll be the fire that'll catch you."

I can't forget no matter how hard I try. I wish I could just go back to the hate I once had, but it faded away. "I don't miss you, I miss the misery."