No matter what

   I always feel like, not that my life is boring, but that it's meaningless. I say I want experiences but for the most part I'm inexperienced. I get hurt too easy. I listen to my head too much and get sad. Curiosity killed the cat and I search for my own destruction.
   I always say pain is my companion. I think it's nice. I think those words are beautiful because if anything,


I'll never be alone.


  I'm afraid of disappearing and yet that's all I want in this world. I'm afraid of being too attached because no matter what it will hurt the entire time. They say love hurts. But I think they only mean after they break your heart, for me it hurts all the time. The worst pain comes when I'm happy because my mind has to stomp me down again. You don't deserve happy.
  I'm always afraid. I don't think it will ever end. Sometimes I want to die not because of I hate myself but simply because I can't live in my head anymore.
   I don't want to be an alcoholic or be addicted to drugs but sometimes I look at the people who were/are and think to myself "They honestly don't give a fuck. Sure they have shitty lives but they don't realize it most of the time. I have a shitty life and it's constantly on my mind."
  But then I think of all the people I love and the ones who look up to me.
  And I can't be that selfish.
   I love my cat. I love my family and I love my boyfriend, I hate my conscience the way it likes keeping me miserable. I'm always fighting myself. And looking for more ways to hurt which just turns into this sick cycle of self-abuse and shame.
   I don't let people know how I feel. I'm usually not happy. I'm an entertainer. I'm not smiley and bubbly and chirpy because that's who I am. I do it for you.
   In all reality I'm a hermit stuck in my own head. I live in a world of pretend. I'm moody, I don't like being around people that much and I'd much rather be alone and mope.
  But at the same time I can't. I want to be out there doing things trying to keep myself from self destruction.

I'm trapped in my world of inconsistencies.

One day I hope to be free.