Weekend cleaning

Being an adult isn't fun. I hate working and I hate being home. The only time I feel ok is when I'm actually spending time with him or sleeping. We dont spend much time together. I wish I had more. I wish I didn't feel like sometimes I'm doing this alone. Like I'm a maid or a mom. I hate feeling like I cant do the things I want because you disapprove when everything I do already is for you. I hate feeling like a disappointment when I'm trying my hardest. I hate these bitter feelings of while everyone does what they want and get to have ten times more fun then me I get shit for every little thing I do wrong. I hate feeling unappreciated and like just the biggest cunt because I get upset. I hate when you think its ok to hang out with two random girls in the middle of the night because I don't say anything. I hate saying something is ok even when it really isn't, when I'm actually very upset but I never say anything. I hate the way you think you're better then me. I hate feeling like a piece of shit. I hate feeling like I'm giving up parts of me because I cant stand when you're upset or sad. I hate feeling like I shouldn't say these things because you'll get upset.

I dont want to upset you.

I love you no matter what. I can handle all these things. The one thing I can't stand is you not being happy. I'd rather be miserable then not see you smile. I am your martyr. I can sacrifice myself for your happiness because when you're happy then I feel like living isn't that bad. Maybe I'm too giving, maybe I should be more selfish. Maybe I should stop tormenting myself with things that hurt. But I don't know any other way besides silence. Nothing is perfect except you. If I can hold your perfection for even five minutes a day then that's all I need. Misery is my companion it'll never let me go.

Sometimes you scare her away.