Don't look at me.

I like looking at cute little romantic pictures from the past that aren't mine. I like the way it makes me hurt.I like the harsh slap of reality to wake me yp from dreaming.To remind me that I'm not really all tha special and all those sweet words originally were for someone else.
  I'm a romantic. I want all that stupid cliche bullshit. I don't want echoes of a first love. I want my own memories untainted by the idea that this has all been done before, just with someone else. I don't want to be the runner up. The fall back from Eden crumbling. Pictures of goofy faces and a flase sense of being close. I don't feel like a girlfriend. It's more like a best friend with benefits you live with.
   That's ok too I guess.
   Romance is a dead ideal replaced with sex. Because we all know sex equals love.
  Growing up killed "romance". You get off work and try to not to anything so you can "destress" or there's shit that needs to be done like paying bills or cleaning. 
   I don't know you. You don't know me. It's playing at pretend. These feelings exist but without anything concrete to stand on it might as well be the childish "love". 
   I used to think I'm sad because I think too much. Maybe the problem is I don't think enough. This idea that if I ignore all the things that bother me that they can't hurt me anymore is failing. I knew it would.
  

  But pretending is so much easier.

  I'm bombarded with memories good, bad. No matter what I do I can't escape myself. I can't fight against these invading thoughts mocking me. I can't shut them up with cutting or medication. They will always be here the best I can do is ignore them or abuse myself. Which neither actually help. I want to lose weight I want to get rid of my "happy chub". I want to whittle me away slowly. I feel like there's too much. Like if I keep eating the way I do I'm going to get fat. My worst fears? Suffocation and getting fat. Confessions are hard. I have a problem. I hate food. I hate needing it to survive. I miss the days I could eat something small and be good. I feel like when I have food in my stomach I'm disgusting. I feel impure and I hate it.
  Worst of all is I know it's wrong and I'm fighting it but at the same time I just want to give up.