one of the main definitions of a disability is whether it affects your ability to lead a normal life... I try so hard. I'm always trying my hardest. Depression keeps me from cleaning and when things aren't clean it spikes my anxiety and worsens my depression. I hate when others clean because I need it done JUST RIGHT and if it isn't JUST RIGHT I have to redo it. And its almost always not right. I try to let things go. I cant. They drill through my head "DONT DO THAT DONT DO THAT. ITS NOT CLEAN ITS NOT SAFE ITS NOT CLEAN YOURE DOING IT WRONG YOUR DOING IT WRONG. YOURE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP. I CANT EAT OFF THAT that's wrong." I freak out and I dont know why. I touch food that's been sitting in the sink and it grosses me out so bad I want to cry and I have no reason to. I leave a pop out for ten minutes and if I dont keep track of it I cant drink it anymore because it might be "contaminated" Ryan asks what that means and what's wrong with it and I never have a reason. I get sick looking at food sometimes. Wondering if "something" got on it and I dont know. If it doesn't look right I won't eat it if its sat there for more then fifteen minutes I cant eat it. I sometimes am so scared im gaining weight the thought of food makes me sick. I'm paranoid I smell because I never have enough time to hang up clothes. I'm scared there's terrible things hidden in my room buried under the clothes I hate sitting or laying on anything because I feel like like im going to get something on me. Some days these things dont bother me. Mostly I try to deal with it. They dont understand. I dont understand. I need help but I either dont have the time or energy. I'm a slave to fear and depression and it takes everything just to do normal shit. I need help. And I dont know how to ask. How do I explain what I dont understand?
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