Mer

Most people would think loving someone was easy whether platonic or romantically. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do for me. And I don't mean having the feeling I mean the action of showing love. I mostly grew up in foster care. I was in it for most of my childhood up until I was 11 and moved into my adoptive family's home.

   It is so deep-rooted into me that eventually everyone will leave me that I sabotage the relationships that mean the most to me. I don't always realize I'm doing it until it's too late or I can't stop it.

   I hate myself.

   It's like my self conscious is a raging masochist and if I'm too happy for too long I need to fuck something up. When I did something self-destructive everything would get fuzzy around the edges and my mind would just blank out. I do things on impulse not caring about consequences, how it would affect me or anyone around me. I would always hope one day someone would look at me and say "Somethings not right with you" and yet be terrified if they did. I wanted to have the freedom to destroy myself but someone to comfort me when I cried. Yet at the same time comfort pissed me off and made me that much more ashamed. I wanted o disappear but not die. I wanted love but not too much.

   I am two people fighting for control.

Stressed

Got the job at Walmart full-time overnight cashier. Started work this Monday 8-5pm for setting up the store as they just built it in my town. Sore as fuck. Feels like the boyfriend complains about me all the time when he's not being sweet emotional and got my period for the first time in 4 years because of Depo two times in a row =.= Worried about getting a Christmas present for Adam worried about his bank account being -$90 don't have cigarettes for tomorrow don't get paid for 8 days. Only have one pair of khakis to wear to work until I get paid. Owe people money. Adam's car repair still hasn't been paid off and he's already talking about the next thing he needs money to get fixed my friends in foster care and turning 18 in January and I told her I'd help her find a place to live/can live with us when we get our own place. Need to do my drivers test but it's snowed and I have no idea how to park. MY car is snowed in which doesn't matter except the windows don't seal. I don't want my lip piercing to close up but i can't even wear a clear plastic thing at work. EVERYTHING HURTS. Christmas is coming up and my aunt is wanting to invite me to things but every time I try to talk to my mom on facebook she goes offline (is she avoiding me?) All I want to do when I get home is sleep or just zone out and not have to think or do anything. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm constantly worried that somehow I'm going to lose this job that I REALLY need. I'm already trying to figure out how to portion out my first check while also trying to figure out what I might need with my second check. I'm worried about things that won't become relevant until spring and it's only just started snowing. I've been wanting to cut again and dealing with depression and anxiety and guilt and fear and anger and happiness and tiredness all mixed up. Fuck all of this shit.

Anxiety ftw.

For the love of God!

Is anybody even reading these?? Or is it just a bot trying to convince me that I'm not just ranting and typing meaningless bullshit into the abyss of the internet. Is it so hard for ONE person to leave a tiny little comment or do I just suck that bad? Yeah I know I knew from the begining hardly anyone's going to give a shit but NO ONE. What happened to the internet being one big community? I am one of the biggest lurkers there are but there is NO indecation ANYWHERE that I even do in fact exist. Maybe I'll just start getting paranoid that there's some organization out there trying to have me convinced I don't actually exist.

   I even posted my opinions on things that SOMEONE should have bitched me out for by this point in time.

Here: Hai guiz im hear to talk about how much i looove justin beiber he's lyke the best musicion ever and you should all love him as much as i love cox. there awesome,

Nothing?

Fine.

That's was painful and I hope you're satisfied that you drove me to such horrific measures. Good day to you.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

Youtube

You should know if you have paid any attention to any of my last posts that I make shitty youtube videos that are really nothing more then shitty small town kid/s (Well all over 18) fucking around and showing you how lame our town is... Well I'm more of a lurker my recent favorite has been Cry (ChaoticMonki) 

   I cheated on you dear blog. I have a theory that as long as I message people too busy to pay attention to everything you say you can basically make confessions without them noticing i.e. an online therapist. It started out innocently enough, then it got bipolar. I figure ahhh the hell why not post it here?

  " I don't know you really and you'll probably never know me. The odds of you even registering let alone reading and/or replying to this is close to none. I'm a realistic gal. As much as I'd love to gush about how you brighten my days amuse me to no end I think instead I'll post this...   "Crowscare was an amoeba and not in the good single-celled-organism way. He was an amoeba in the shapeless way. Valerie was gone and he was worthless jelly. And not a tasty jelly, an awkward tasteless jelly… A jelly full of unwanted stick in your teeth seeds. Needless to say he needed something to occupy his time. " It's a story I've been attempting to write for a while now however I'm having trouble trying to get from where I am to another character (Turnip) meeting a waiter who just so happens to be the anti-christ. 

   If by chance you are still reading this I apologize but I'm going to pretend you and I are friends and ramble . The whole "you never show your f*ce" thing (I found somewhere you do not like that word) I think is pretty brilliant. Although being persistent in that area for me has turned out pretty interesting in the past (a dude who ALMOST got away with convincing me he was a chick) I find if people DON'T know what I look like then I can weed out the assholes. And I quite enjoy role playing as a fourty year old man.  

   I've been having trouble with my depression. I guess this is why I'm messaging you. I suppose I could always type in my "blog" (that's a laugh) but this is more personal. I don't like people knowing I'm weak. People just think I'm some awesome badass that's better then them and I HATE that with a burning passion. I can't say that shit without sounding conceited and I'm completely the opposite of that. I have considered on multiple occasions doing something to damage my face. But even that seems conceited. If I somehow send this by accident I truly am sorry. 

   If people could only see this side of me. The loser who types imaginary messages to some random fucking stranger in order to rant about her bullshit. Because she's too scared to talk to actual people. I don't know how to love. I don't know how I feel most of the time and there's a whole shitty story behind that. One that no matter how many times I blow it off still hurts just as much as when I was younger. I keep thinking the more I turn it into a joke the less it'll matter. Just like the longer I ignore an issue or feeling it will eventually disappear. 

    You might want to add me to your "send directly to the trash folder" 

                          xCharlotte

P.S. I REALLY hope you didn't actually read this xD if so I'm really sorry about this."

Awesome right? Yeah I'm pretty great =.= I'll update you if he ever replies. Should be embarrassing if he does.

Family

   Talk about your siblings.

Brenda: Died when I was six

Mary: Older sister. Pretty awesome, I'm sure most people would like her. She's one of my role models just because she's got most things figured out. Not to mention I know she'll help me out when I need it. She goes to college in another state and I lived with her for a while. Pretty cool fucking beans imo. My adoptive parents biological daughter which doesn't mean shit just that we don't look like each other :3. And yeah she's gorgeous.

William: My older brother a little awkward at times but he's sweet. A little lost in life right now maybe but I'm sure he'll figure it out. He was my best friend for quite a while. He's moved farther away and I don't get to talk to him a lot which makes me sad. He's weird like me.

Vivian: Little sister. I haven't seen her in a while. I miss talking to her. I hear she's doing really well and I hope that continues.

Being as this is my blog and I don't have permission from them this is only a vague idea of my siblings.

My Mom: Complete badass 'nuff said there. But also the strongest woman I know. I'm glad my parents adopted me. Thought she was strict when living with them but I realized how much better I am from it :)

My Dad: Sweetest dad anyone could have. Be jealous.

Dream Date

I stopped the day count because I can but I guess I'll continue making posts :P.

A date you would love to go on.

Ummmm, anything super fun like movies are cool and whatever it's nice but I like actually DOING things together. As in when Adam and I went to Valley Scare with his brother Zach and his girlfriend. Or I don't know bowling, laser tag, skating etc. I don't have a specific "Dream Date" just going out and having fun. Or you know staying in and playing an intense game like Mario Party :3 or you know Left for Dead. Anything to have fun and excitement.

The truth about my cutting

Age: 19

How long have you been self harming?:

6 years but really more like 12

What methods of self harm do you use?:

Cutting, burning, scratching, hitting, chemical burns, hair pulling etc.Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?:

legs, arms, chest, stomach, ankle

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?:

Too many to count

Do you want to stop cutting, but can’t because of addiction?:

I have stopped for the time beingDo you have (diagnosed or not) Depression, and/or Bipolar/BPD?:

depression, anxiety, and possible BPD

Who knows you self harm?:

My boyfriend, my close family and friends.

Have you ever been caught cutting?:

many times

Do you cut on your hands, neck, or face?:

I have

Have your parents ever confronted you about a scar?:

Yes

Why do you self harm?:

Because I don't know how to show what I feel in a constructive way. So I showed my inner pain with outer wounds. I didn't like people thinking I was pretty when I felt so ugly. I tried to match my outsides to how I felt

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?:

yes

Do you like cutting?:

Very much

What’s your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut/scar?:

Zombie attack

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?:

3

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?:

I used to

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?:

Yes

Favorite tool?:

anything. I've used razor blades, plastic cards, bleach, my nails, needles, knives, lighters, my hair straightener, box cutters, and hot water

Do you sometimes envy other people? (non-self-injurers):

Because of their scar free skin?

I think my scars are beautiful

Because they’re thin, gorgeous, and smart?

No

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?:

Yes

Have you been sexually/emotionally abused?:

both

How do you take care of your cuts or bruises?:

make sure they don't bleed through my clothes that's it

Day 24 Update

   I haven't been that happy lately. I think it's the season :/. We're having a party friday in the woods. I guess I'm kind of excited. I'm just... IDK not myself right now. I wonder if I need to get back on anti-depressants. Or maybe if I could just get a damn job... And my phone's turned off so I'm hoping that I don't miss a call back. That's the story of my life though lawl. 

   This is pointless. I don't even know why I'm doing this anymore. I guess it kind of helps. It stops the same thoughts from repeating in my head.

   We got another cat kind of but we have to get rid of it tomorrow because we can't keep it... I really need to go to bed. But I feel like I'm too depressed to sleep if that's even possible. I guess it could be that Adam slept a full 12 hours cause he's a freak... Well, bye.

Day 23 Pros & Cons

Things I suck at:

1) When I touch things they have the tendency to randomly fall off for example: Car decals, knobs etc.

2) Walking, I'm a klutz and I trip a lot

3) Technical things, I fuck up computers and shit

4) Shooting games like Call of Duty

5) Sports, again I'm a klutz

6) Taking care of plants

7) Remembering things

8) Cooking bacon :3

9) Blogging every day :P

10) Putting away laundry, dishes, etc.

Things I'm good at:

1) Singing (I've been told)

2) Drawing (I've been told)

3) Being polite to strangers

4) Cooking and Baking

5) Saving money :D

6) Party Rocking

7) Writing (I've been told)

8) Making people fall in love with my awkwardness??

Basically I've had many guys after me and I honestly have no idea why :/

9) Borderlands (I like to think)

10) Dressing weird

Applied to Target tonight whoooo! =.=

k night :3

Day 22 Gaming

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Day 21 Confessions

Confessions:

1) I used to be a cutter. It started in the eighth grade aaand I went to the psych ward three times for depression and spent four months in treatment. I don't know any of you so it doesn't matter what you know rofl

2) In the ninth grade I was expelled for having pills in my locker and spent the rest of my ninth grade year in our town's ALC but got back into the high school for my sophomore year. However I had many issues and was in and out of our town's high school in between online school alternative schools and treatment. I never spent a whole year in my towns high school.

3) I'm not fond of babies. They make me nervous I like the idea of eventually having the child of me and the love of my life growing inside me I just don't know what I'd do when it is born 0.o

I pray to God I get that "I just knew what to do" mothering instinct because I'm too nervous to even be around a baby and I have NO authority. When they grew older I don't know that I could demand they go for a time-out I'd probably ask please =.=

4) I love veggies. Not a big fan of raw veggies and I hate okra and I only really like them if they're steamed. Oh and I don't like ranch.

5) I tried to be vegetarian once but I had this habit of stealing my friends' food at lunch in high school and one day I stole a piece of popcorn chicken... Yeah that lasted long...

6) I have difficulty crying. However I tear up when I get really pissed off... And tears mixed with raging is an odd combination. I think it's because I feel so bad that I'm so angry that I'm raging... I'm a wimp :/

7) I'm shy... Like really shy

8) I tend to sing or hum whenever there's silence where I am. Like if you put me on call-waiting don't be surprised if I'm humming when you flip back to my call or I do it whenever I'm doing something mundane. Doing chores for me has always been easier when I'm singing or humming.

9) I've been caught singing by strangers who compliment me on it... In the woods by the river... on the patio in my parents back yard... at the park when I thought no one else was around

10) I used to shop-lift. I then was caught after many years of doing it. I got in trouble and being as I was over 18 by that time I realized how stupid it was. However I wasn't caught stealing anything stupid like a T.V. or lip gloss.

11) I'm a typical woman, I love cats. But other women hate me because I hate all the other typical woman stuff. I wouldn't say I'm a tom-boy but I'm not as um- feminine and sensitive as other women. 

I'm going to leave it there because 11 is a nice awkward number :3

Day 20 (I will finish what I started)

   Hey the people who don't read this. I figured I'd keep writing this just for my own entertainment. So bear with me...

   Things that make me become unattracted to you (I know I'm asexual but these are things that made me NOT want to even be around someone):

  1) "Joking" or talking about sex all the time. It's annoying and makes you look like a douche or a whore. Yeah a "that's what she said" joke can be fun but not three times a day...

  2) Whining. Especially whining about how girls don't like you... Telling me how much of a loser you think you are doesn't make me want to date you it makes me tired of being around your bitching... There was a guy I thought was pretty cool until that's all he did when we hung out.

  3) Sudden over-attachment, you know what that is. The person you've known for three days who has already labeled you their best friend and/or the too-fast "I love you" followed by marriage plans and "I'd kill myself without you"

  4) Telling me I'm awesome all the time. Yeah it's nice but gushing over every pic I post everything I say or do... It gets creepy and awkward. I know that seems weird or bitchy but honestly I'm shy and awkward it makes me uncomfortable.

  5) The butterflies: whether it's the person who has a new group friends each week or a new significant other every month. Either way it drives me insane. Making relationships so trivial and meaningless.

Well I've got nothing else for now kbai :3

Day it's been awhile (19)

Yeah I've been busy doing nothing and not posting new blogs. Yeah I know I'm a terrible person but... 

There's something to keep you entertained? Pictures are always better then words...

Things I wished I had:
1. A Job
2. A Driver's license
That's pretty much it right now I'm easily appeased :P

Day 18 Gay Marriage

Gay Marriage

   I believe if two people are in love they should be able to marry.

The bible is against it: as I said I am Christian however times have changed the bible also states not to eat animals with split hooves yet how many people follow that?

Separation between church and state 'nuff said.

There's so much to be said on this matter however it's really early in the morning/late at night I post these sooo... I'm too tired.

 Not labels, judgement or discrimination

Day 17 Abortion

Abortion

I am pro-life. Even if I was raped and ended up pregnant I'd still have the baby. I'd put it up for adoption but I don't believe a child should be denied life because of the father or because it was a mistake. Adoption is so easy and it may give a couple who couldn't have children the baby they always wanted. I don't believe it should be our decision that a baby should die just because we or someone else made a mistake.

   I am not absolute in this, say a 13 year old girl got pregnant and she'd die or have severe complications if she carried the baby to full term or if your own life is in danger if you had this baby. That's a different story. Anything that wouldn't be a choice made of selfishness.

  I also know people have a different opinion and I respect that. If you want to go to a respectable place and abort your baby that's none of my business. It's your body and you can do what you want. I will however bring up adoption and tell you my own adoption story and let you know you have other options. I will not however stand around an abortion clinic and tell you you're a murderer. I don't like abortion. I don't like the idea of denying a person the right to live no matter how unformed that person is. 

  Basically I like to believe I can care about everyone. My little "sister" (fiance's little sister) has a friend I don't particularly like. I find her annoying and attention seeking but I'll still give her advice and I don't like seeing her hurt. And I look at someone being pregnant as a being that may one day find their own love, hopes and dreams. And I don't think it's right to take away it's future to suit your own selfish needs because there's adoption where you don't have to take care or even want the child and you can find someone that will.

   If you are old enough to have sex you should be mature enough to take care of your mistakes. I don't see this as a solution to your mistake but a way of avoiding responsibility.

   If you have had an abortion I know it's hard I've heard the story's and I am NOT judging you. You had your reasons and I respect that (unless it's "I didn't want stretch marks"). I know there's guilt and shame and millions of other emotions I could NEVER understand and I admire your strength for having to deal with it all.

  

   Basically:

1) Have the baby adopted

2) You're denying a being the right to a future

3) I don't judge pro-lifers or women who have had abortions

4) This is my view and I believe different opinions are great

5) Forcing other people to try to have the same opinion as you is not

  

   Think of anyone who's influenced your life for the better that could be your child helping someone else. Your child could find the cure to cancer or be a future president or even just an awesome worker. Does it really matter? Whether they'd be important or not it's still a future life that will never be if aborted.

There's my view you're completely welcome to have your own.

Comment with your view and why. I love variety :3

Day 16 Religion

My view on religion

   I will start off saying I'm Christian. Not the go-to-church-every-sunday kind but the find my own way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz41Y-4dttg here's basically my thing also. I don't like the preaching of don't do this and don't do that and only if you convince enough people will you get into Heaven. I believe in the loving God not the judge. Yes I live my life with morals but I believe in forgiveness not blame. I also don't think cramming Jesus down peoples throats will help. A lot of my friends might not know that I'm Christian but the ones that do know how serious I am about it. 

   I bring people to God in obtuse ways. I also go to a sort of "alternative" church for "people who don't do church". This is the kind of church where they tell you to reach into the offering bucket if you need grocery money or gas money to get to work. And you know where the money is going to because they tell you and they show the progress they make. http://www.crossing-church.com/ There are quite a few people calling the Crossing a cult, possibly because they accept recovering addicts and the people are willing to volunteer their free time to see this church succeed.

   Reasons why The Crossing Church is a cult

 1) People get hooked to coming to church and keep returning

 2) They get tons of donations

 3) They play rock music at the services

 4) They have support groups for recovering addicts and other "unsavory characters"

   Honestly it's all a load of B.S. and I'm not saying everyone who goes to more traditional churches are all this way but when something works and just clicks for a large group of people it has to be a cult right? No the exact opposite, The Crossing accepts you no matter what they want you to get connected so you can feel apart of something bigger. One of the main human needs is to feel a part of something. 

   Wow... this kind of turned into a rant... awkward...

   Basically I'm Christian but I believe everyone has a right to live their life how they want. However when you are against a certain group like Christians or Agnostics I think you need to realize there are other people like you just on the other side.

   I don't know why humans have to have conflict. I know this sounds naive but I really do just wish people could accept everyone else. Granted there are exceptions like rapists, serial killers, KKK etc. But to say a certain group of people are "wrong" for what they believe is absurd.

   For Christians: Can you for sure prove they're going to hell? No? Then shut your mouth and mind your own business

   For Atheists: Can you FOR SURE prove there's no God? No? Then same to you

   For people like me who don't give a shit what other people think? High five. If there were more people like you we wouldn't have all this bullshit fighting going on.

   Since I'm on controversial topics should I do gay marriage or abortion next? I'm not having any comments so I assume maybe I'll make someone a little red in the face. Hate comments would be nice all others would be even better... :)

Signing off :3

P.S. Just paid the first bit of this car off today 

   The one on the left is more what the car I'm getting looks like. Dinky I know but it works better then the pile of shit my ex has right now with "charger" spray painted on the side beat up covered with duct tape. :P

Day 15 Fake

Faking Happiness

Probably a good topic for me... You see I am an expert at faking happiness. I used to do it all the time because I was depressed. You see people don't like depressed people and I hated having so many people concerned about me, yeah I know first world problem. I grew up with no one really paying attention to me so it was uncomfortable... And I guess I just wanted to feel strong or whatever.

   I got so good at faking emotions that I had trouble figuring out what I was actually feeling and why I felt that way Moral of the story: Don't fake it, at least not to everyone find someone you trust and who won't judge or ditch you.

Day 14 Abilities

Hello potential readers,

So the website tells me I have 70 something page views but I don't believe it. If there's any questions you'd like to ask or blog posts you think I should do then comment.

Top Five magical abilities:

1) Use the force ALL THE TIME. It's pretty much the top pick for powers I'd want because then I could be lazier or more productive. This item is too high for me to reach? Use the force and will it down. Laying in bed and It's too cold to get out? Use the force to bring me the xbox controller.

2) Teleporting, f*ck yeah! Do I really need to explain this?

3) Immunity to everything disease, the laws of physics, being burned, laws etc. Not that I'd do a lot of illegal things just like if I needed to get somewhere and fast I could speed without worrying about cops

4) The ability grow out my hair at will because I have this need to constantly reinvent myself and then I could have short hair one day and long the next

5) General magic as in being able to light things on fire, change my body temp, explode any one's head I want etc.

Comment for you power ideas... :3

Day 13

The Soundtrack of my life...

   If my life had a soundtrack it'd be pretty diverse and very much filled with sad songs. For one when I was six I was in foster care with my three siblings and we were living with not very good people at the time. It was an abusive home so the first song I'll list is Concrete Angel by Martina McBride

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtNYA4pAGjI

   The focus of this song isn't necessarily for me... It applies to someone close to me and is perfect. My older sister Brenda was going to turn ten in eleven days. My biological mother was an alcoholic and lost us permanently to the foster care system when I was two. Brenda was the only constant person in our life and because my other two siblings had fetal alcohol syndrome I was pretty much always in the background she was the main source of love I got and basically the mother to us three. On November 2nd, 1999 Brenda was beaten to death by my- we'll just call him Kevin  (http://brainerddispatch.com/stories/110999/new_1109990010.shtml). All I remember of that night is being woken up by a flashlight in my face by the cops. I remember seeing her in bed and willing her to wake up that we were going to be free... I didn't know that she wouldn't wake up. I don't remember when exactly I realized that she wasn't going to come back...

The next song for my adoption

   There's probably a better song for this but it fits Held by Natalie Grant   (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw). If I hadn't been adopted I probably would've ended up homeless or other trash. They were strict and helped turned me into the person I am today and they gave me the love and attention I had always needed.

   At the end of middle school I got hit by depression for the next four or five years I was stuck in it... With three trips to the psych ward and self-mutilation.

either Pain by Three Days Grace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPlu227Ib8I

or Waltz Moore by From First to Last  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbQjMjcxMmQ

There was a point in my life when I hit one hundred pounds where I stopped eating. I had this stupid idea that I was "the thin girl" and when I started growing and gaining more weight I felt like I was losing my identity. I don't know why I started eating again. I think it was around another stint in the psych ward.

The Ex See Day 12

   Either Tears Don't Fall by Bullet for my Valentine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pV-eSndnhKs

which works with the cheating and lighting him on fire aspect

or... My Curse by Killswitch Engage   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPW9AbRMwFU

Since you just got two posts about them that's all I'll leave it at k bai :3

Day 12

What you would say to your Ex

   You hurt me and I never told you how much. Of all the girls you chose to spend your time with you chose the skanky ugly ones. These other girls that you treated better then me. All I tried was to be this "perfect" girlfriend that let you do what you wanted and didn't get mad.

   I gave you a gift meant for someone better. And I gave it because I thought then I could keep you. When I didn't really want to keep you. I was lonely and everyone else thought we were supposed to be together. At least that's what I thought. It was the damn high school mentality sort of like how cheerleaders are "supposed" to date jocks I thought I was "supposed" to date you.

   I wish you would admit you never loved me. I wished you'd admit it was all a lie. And I wish I had never met you. I had this stupid idea of the person you were and I just deluded myself into believing that. I spent all my time wondering when I'd see you again while you were telling your friends to not tell the girl you had in your bed that you had a girlfriend. You'd try to turn me against the girls you cheated on me with, you'd make excuses and I'd pretend I believed you.

   I pretended I was ok with it.

   I pretended it didn't matter as long as I was your "girlfriend" then that was all that mattered. I pretended I loved you and I wasted three years of my life on you. Wasted so much time thinking about you and how to make you happy when you didn't give a shit about me.

   I want to hurt you as much as you hurt me...

   But I can't...

   I was just something to put your d*ck in but I was the one that made our "relationship" feel like it was just for sex? Telling me how I'd still be pretty if I got pregnant, talking about where we'd live when we got married all this bullshit that I pretended to believe.

   You destroyed me and I hate knowing that. You took the last bit of faith I had and tore it up. And now your just "Over that Charlotte shit"?

   Good luck with your new 16 year old pregnant girlfriend. I hope you don't fuck up her life anymore and I wish I could say I'm over it. But I'm not...

   I hope you die miserable and alone.

oops Day 11

[deleted]

Day 10

Your views on drugs and alcohol.

My mother and her mother were alcoholics. I'm chill with alcohol however I just have to be more careful then other people I came up with my own rules but I do sometimes enforce them on other people. 1) Don't drink when you're sad/mad/depressed etc. that's how you start the unhealthy cycle  2)Don't drink so much you end up puking/blacking out that's just fucked up and you know it. 3)Know your limit and don't let someone/s else dictate how much you drink. That's how college kids die from alcohol poisoning and chicks get date raped. 

   Other then that be smart about it. It's common fucking sense you don't have to go overboard every time and don't use it to escape life. It's to have fun not to numb out.

   Drugs. No, unless prescribed by a doctor and used properly I'm not a big fan. Experimenting, maybe but everyday use is just brainless. 

   I'm moving back to Prin-oops can't tell you, my hometown and I'm not sure how I feel about it :/ I'm really going to miss Fargo...

   Wish me well on my next job hunt bai :3

Day 9

   So last night as usual I fell asleep with all these wonderful ideas in my head for funny little stories to tell you... I woke up and I have no idea what they were. Something about the gay friend I have...

    Like once upon a time he kept drinking the alcohol at a friends house so after I drank a smirnoff I filled it with water and mixed a ton of salt in it and it looked like the normal drink... I did this knowing he'd drink it... Sadly I wasn't there when he did XD

     k well that's all for right now bai :3

   

Day 8

Something you’re currently worrying about.
  The future, but who doesn't? I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not sure how I'm going to get there. I'm worried me and my boyfriend won't resolve our issues. I worry about anything and everything. I have this thing called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It means I'm a freak that can't relax and I'm always worried about unrealistic things happening like "What if the end of the world happened right now?" or "What if he was hit by a car and killed?". Things that normal people don't think randomly. 
   I also used to have really bad social anxiety. I'm adopted and being around my new adoptive family was hard for me because growing up I spent a lot of time alone and I was in fostercare so it was strange for me to be around a family setting. I've gotten better with my anxiety and I can manage it. Now I'm just "shy" I suppose that's still kind of my anxiety because I can't introduce myself to people. If I go to a party and don't know anyone I will sit in a corner by myself too scared to walk up to someone until they come over to me and start talking to me... Then I'm just chatty cathy and the friendliest thing. Until then... I'm asocial... =.=
   And even it I so much as think of going up to someone I don't know and talking to them my heart beats hard and fast I get all hot and dizzy and wow I didn't realize I was such a freak until this moment lawl. 
   I feel like I need to make these longer. But perhaps that's just me. It seems most people's blogs are PAGES long... Then again if it's too Long: Didn't Read.

   People that know me think I'm awesome whereas I think I'm boring as fuck... Actually now that I think about it my opinion is usually the exact opposite of those around me...

   One last thing...

kay bai :3

oops Day 7

Your opinion on cheating on people.
   I hear girls say "It's not cheating if it's with another girl" That's complete bullshit. If your dating someone and you kiss someone else that's cheating. It's almost like saying "Well I got a bl*w j*b from a guy so that's not cheating" BULLSHIT. I just had a good friend try to pull the "If it's another girls it's not cheating". And let's just say I'm not exactly friends with her anymore. 
   I can't stand cheaters. If you can't stay faithful then just whore around instead of being in a relationship where you'll only break their heart. Or at least be honest. "Hey I like fooling around with everyone. So this won't exactly be exclusive".

  I hate cheaters... kthxbai :3

Day 6

 The person you like and why you like them.
   What a mundane and silly question *sigh*.
   I will not give a full name here but his name is Adam we've been dating for a year and a half. I like him because he's spunky not afraid to look stupid (which he never does). He treats me like a queen and we're engaged.. He lives in my hometown and I live with him for nine months and thats where I'm moving back to.

   Anyways just bought the Borderlands DLC's so I'm puurty excited will probably be wasting most of my free time playing it woot! woot! So excuse me while I continue my quest...  :3

Day 5

5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
   Opposite Sex: Their readiness to fight. And the fact that sometimes they take play fighting too far then shit just gets awkward. That they think because I'm female and girls think they're attractive that I automatically should think that too. Arrogance. Neediness. Insecurity. When they have a crush on you for years and never tell you because they're scared when you've had a crush on them too.

   Same Sex: Their sensitivity. How I can't make a joke without being called a bitch. When I have a lot of guy friends so they assume I'm a slut and I've slept with all of them. When they think you're trying to "steal their man" B*tch I have NO interest in the dude. Back stabbing. How they also complain about all these things but then turn around and do the same exact shit =.=... 


   It's my day off and had a wonderful fight with the bf before I wanted to wake up =.=. I love when I just want to sleep in and someone ruins it with a fight. Made cheesecake and it looks like shit but I got it from the dollar store and its one of those instant Jello things so fucks given= 0  :3

Day 4

What you wear to bed.
   Haha awkward question. But I wear my boyfriends shirt and boxers to bed for pajamas. Nothing too special but comfy.

   Nothing to say really. Depressed at the moment and bingeing on candy. At least I can afford to I guess that's a plus. No matter how great you think your life is or how good you think you look there's always someone who's better. I don't want to be the best just feel like I'm not always a mile behind :/

bai...

Day 3

   What kind of person attracts you.

   In friends: Someone who's chill and acts their age, someone who can know I'm joking if I say something mean and teasing and realize it's just how I let my friends know I'm comfortable around them. Someone who doesn't gossip a lot and can keep secrets (other people's secrets as well as mine). Someone who shows up when they say they will and wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend time with them.

   In a significant other. Independance, humor a little insanity and can't be lazy. I want to get out and do things with people and in different places.

   Today my plan is to take the bus and go to the mall I have three hot cash things from Hot Topic and might as well use them. It's getting chilly out... I don't know how I feel about that. I feel like my whole summer was just shit cause I didn't have much time with friends it was kind of all work and no play. Not to mention I hate, Hate, HATE winter because I'm the biggest freeze baby you'll ever  meet. I don't know how I'm moving back home next friday if my  boyfriend can't get his work off... :(

   Not much to say at the moment so ttyl :3

Day 2

How have you changed in the past 2 years?

Me 2 years ago

   When I was 17 I was still dating The Ex who was let's just say a complete waste of my time. Now I'm not going to lie I'm still heartbroken from everything that happened now he's with another girl gushing about how much they love each other and she's pregnant. This isn't to be viewed as me still having feelings for him. That's not it at all. I just don't understand how he could treat me so terrible then all the sudden turn completely around from this girl who no offense isn't as attractive and is still in highschool. Two years ago I was still a virgin. Two years ago I was miserable although to be honest I'm not doing much better I have a job now but as I've said I'm done on the 14th. My boyfriend is wonderful but I'll admit I liked it a lot more when he wasn't so needy and controlling. He says he feels like I'm not as attracted to him anymore and I suppose it's true. I'm not attracted to someone who's constantly checking up on what I do and needing to be reassured of my love... I'd tell him  but I love him and I don't want to hurt him.

   I used to think my parents were strict and unbearable now I credit them to the fact I can actually get a job and pay attention to where my money's going if it's even going anywhere.

   So an Abraham guy had my phone number before and I'm still TO THIS DAY getting calls from places trying to get a hold of him I don't know if the bastard is still listing off my number on shit but it's been OVER A YEAR. Stop calling me I don't know you or Abraham. I hate getting calls from places/people I know let alone strange shit that when I call them to tell them to get rid of my number they try to hook their claws into me and have me be part of their cult.

   No thanks.

   

   You ever have one of those days where you just want to punch everything for NO REASON like none at all. You're just sitting there and all of the sudden get this wild urge to break everything. I get that a lot. Also if I'm holding something and I see someone 9 out of 10 times will consider throwing whatever I'm holding at them. I can't tell you how many times my phone has been thrown at people... Or my iPod. Or a pop or cat or book or fish food or sandwich etc... I don't know why I do it 5 times out of 10 its an instinct thing. I'm very impulsive which is a bad thing. 

Person I just threw my wallet at: "Ow! Why the fuck did you throw that at me?!"

Me slightly dazed: "I got the urge to..." or "I have no idea..."

   Yep if my brain has a thought on occasion it will just act out on it without the consideration of checking with me to see if I'm ok with it. Which you know, is usually ok with me for the throwing things because it provides entertainment however the thoughts that go along the lines of "You should jump that fence in your dress" leads to "how the fuck do I get down without something embarrassing happening?" Or "It'll be ok if I...." to "WHYYYYY?! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!"

   Yeah a lot of my friends think I'm crazy fun but a few times a little extreme. :3

Day 1

• Weird things you do when you’re alone

There's nothing too weird that I do when I'm alone. I talk to myself a lot more. I make up stories and hum songs that don't exist. I suppose I do too much thinking. I get lonely way too easy when I'm alone and I suppose that's why I'm quitting my job here and taking a pretty shitty in comparison job back home. I made youtube videos when I was alone before, they weren't that great but it gave me something to do to pass the time. Mostly I just play FFR when I'm alone.

flashflashrevolution.com

      I suppose that's why I'm on here now :). Again this will probably mainly be for my own entertainment and I'll be tempted to skip ahead and do tomorrows day today. But I won't. I SHALL ENDURE. You know this really isn't that different from a journal except complete strangers can read it... As long as you don't know me I guess I don't care that much.

   

   Because that question was answered in such a short period I suppose that's how I'll do things answer the thing and then journal : D. I'm Charlotte. I'm 19 and currently working as a waitress. Minimum wage isn't the same for waitresses where I am so I'm paid 4.25 an hour. However with tips if it's not a slow day I usually make 10 dollars an hour basically for 14 dollars an hour. 

   

   The job I'm hoping to get back home is overnight stocking at Cub for 8 dollars an hour... I told you I don't do well when alone and that's all I am living here. Back home's my boyfriend (fiancee) and friends that don't care that much but at least I can force them to spend time with me. I used to write I used to play flute I used to draw and sing and hope for things in life... However I literally have the joy of any time I get excited or look forward to something it blows up in my face. So when people say they have wonderful news for me my reaction is usually "meh" which could make them sad but also get me better surprises to try and get me excited. 

   My boyfriend's name is irrelevant. But he treats me like a queen. He has his faults and we clash in personalities while at the same time they compliment each other. It's one of those rollar coaster relationship things and it annoys the hell out of me.

   My dream ever since I remember was to sing for people. I wanted to be on the radio not for the fame but because listening to the radio and music made me happy and I wanted people to listen to me and be happy too. Plus I love singing. However I grew up in fostercare making me an overly realistic person that knows I will never become a singer. And I'm ok with that. Fact is I'm also extremely shy. 

   There's so much I could say but I'll stop here. Bai. :3