You bite the hand that feeds

   I've wanted to die since... Well since I was able to understand what it was. I don't mean that in a self pity way just when I realized what death was when I was 6 and my older sister was no longer there... I've always felt a little jealous when I finally grew into a fully sentient being.

   Well that's not it exactly. We were asked if we were twins a LOT. I was very proud of that. No one was more perfect than my older sister. She protected us. And she died because of it. I tried so hard to fill that hole that she never should have in the first place.

     I'm rambling again. I came here to talk about suicide again. Because every time I end back here. I wonder what the real cause is for it. But I do think maybe I am a little jealous but mostly just survivors guilt. I wasn't good enough and she should have been there for them. 

     She would have been able to handle everything after. I have never been strong enough no matter what other people think. I'm not even a real person. If there is a god it makes no sense that I survived this long. And what a cruel fucking god it would be. To take away their one support and leave them with the trash fire that I am. 

      I hate that they spent so many years having adults saying that they were more broken than I am. It was so fucking cruel. I know they resented me. I deserved everything.

      I find value in literally everyone else's life more than my own. I don't see myself as human but rather a misfortunate byproduct of carelessness. 

     I had a whole plan I wrote about that was derailed because I was poor. I keep thinking that my plans are ruined due to fate but at this point I'm not sure anymore.

     Maybe life is just stringing me along. I mean I KNOW there is a pattern of 1 step of good things and then 2 steps of bad things. 

      Literally living in itself feels like an abusive relationship. 

      I thought he was different this time. 

      How do you tell someone that the reason you can't do anything is because they destroyed you again. When you're afraid of them. I love doing all the things but when I'm isolated because my partner gets angry when I talk to my friends I'm too depressed to do cleaning and cooking.

      I can't be a wifey when he accuses me of not being that person.... 

      Happy wife=happy life right? 

      Turns out I am not happy. 

      I am not happy and it makes it hard to clean and cook. Which ruins everything else because now hes mad. The obvious solution is to talk to him which he wants but he gets SO ANGRY and I'm afraid of him.

     I am ashamed but I'm so fucking afraid of him. And he's still blaming me for everything. He's angry because I'm not having enough sex with him. I'm scared because I'm not trusting enough even though he's the reason I have no trust. He's the reason all of my other relationships failed and now he's blaming that on me...

    

     Why didn't he treat any of the other ones the way he treats me?

     You give everything to other woman who hurt you for years. I give you everything and you treat me like I'm going to do what they did. Why am I the one that you hurt? Why do you do everything to please horrible women and you abuse me?

     Why?

Control

I'm relapsing HARD and not in that superficial way I was before. 

Not in a being ashamed of gaining weight. No this is a control relapse which is 1000x more potent. It's why I became so anorexic to begin with.

I want that feeling of slowing disappearing because I already feel like I barely exist. 

I just want to feel good at something again.

Maybe it is for attention to be honest. Maybe I just want to see if anyone really sees me. 

That's such a fucking teenage thing to think. It's fucking idiotic but I can't help it.

The most ridiculous thing is that no one gave a shit before so why would it matter this time.

But really I've been waiting for this. For the obsession to reignite. I'm sick of how I am now. I don't give a fuck about anything besides not being disgusting. 

I hyper cleaned today. Basically soaked in bleach. I missed the fucked up way I could focus on obsessions rather than actually dealing with my emotions.

It's comfortable.

There's no one

 To talk to without anger

Rainbows by Careful Gaze (good song I'm vibing with I'm not allowed things and shit)

 I keep saying I'm going to be on here more so that I'm not being a fucking psycho all of the time.

But I'm not sure if that's actually how I feel about myself or just me being a psycho and taking other's opinions of me too hard. 

It really fucking sucks.

You know the way people tell me that I'm really not that bad but that's only until it's inconvenient. THAT'S when they aren't so forgiving. And I ALWAYS tell them.

I'm different now. I'm distant. I'm this and that.

I don't see it.

This has always been be and I know everyone hates it.

I just hate that they get so mad when they finally see that part.

It hurts.

I honestly don't know what's worse. I guess all of it. 

I KNOW I'm the problem.

I literally say that.

Like IMMEDIATELY before they get attached but then I'm always still the bad guy for "changing" 

I was SUPER upfront about who I am.

You're the one who deceived me pretending like you would be supportive no matter what. You're the liar not me. 

This isn't even specific to one person and that's the worst part.

Everyone hates me eventually. 

It's fucking AMAZING the amount of deception people accuse me of only because I'm fucking SHIT at being a normal human.

God even I'm convinced I'm a fucking monster.

It takes so much fucking effort too ignore all of the thoughts and anger and resentment. I just want to fucking....

Stop.

I'm so fucking tired and I keep going and it's fine.

I know I'm like THE FUCKING WORST and I fucking hate the effort I put into convincing myself to convince other people that I think I'm probably pretty ok.

I feel so fucking selfish. 

I feel fucking selfish

I'm fucking selfish.

Selfish.

Coward.

I bring nothing to the table.

I'm fucking typing on a computer that someone else built in a home that apparently I'm just a guest in. Which is fair. I'm not bringing in any money. I'm not fucking worth anything. I'm a fucking parasite.

I always have been. 

It's a fucking MIRACLE I've survived. I don't know why I ever thought I deserved anything.

I'm a fucking burden.I....

Everyone says they'd be there for you. There's all of this stupid fucking shallow suicide fucking bullshit.

It's so fucking mainstream now. I just... like would I get a lawyer? Like my only hang up is that like... I have debt now and shit. And an amazing handsome man like signed up for that shit. I'm sure he'd like figure it out super quick.

For a couple months I thought I was a beautiful new person. I was going to be a wife and a mother and we'd work through everything because I wasn't the fucking monster everyone thought for no fucking reason.

I'm always overshadowed by the horrible expectations people have of me.

I LITERALLY can't escape myself.

I've spent 28 years of people expecting the worst of me.

And 25 years trying to prove them wrong.

I don't understand how I'm the bad guy at this point. I was cast in a role I wasn't fit for but I'm definitely a people pleaser. 

I'm just playing the fucking part.

That's dramatic. 

I'm not fucking anyone besides my man. 

What's wrong?

I get stuck in my head which seems silly when there's nothing here to keep me trapped.

I feel like I think the same 10,000 fears and negative all around thoughts all day under everything on repeat. It's hard to say what's wrong when the only answer I have is "me".

There's nothing expressly wrong. It's just that I'm not really sure that I'll ever be "right" and I'm not sure I really give a shit if I ever am at this point.

I mean hell I could have turned into a murderer. Or like any other sort of monstrous human being instead of the overly empathetic albeit emotionally and psychologically unstable high-functioning fuck up that I am now.

I have nightmares almost every night which is fine. Honestly I think that's better in a weird way.

Like FINALLY there's something that gives me some sort of insight into whatever the fuck I'm feeling. I'm not able to figure out the incessant buzzing in my head most of the time. I call it "bees" but I'm not sure that's an accurate description.

It's hard to describe something that makes it almost impossible to think anything at all. It's like a black hole of thoughts where there's so many the density just sucks in any sort of cognition that's produced outside of it leaving me in a fucking void of "I don't know I'm just tired"

I feel like someone who's viewed too much gore sometimes. Like maybe I am far worse than I think but because I grew up so dysfunctional and continued to end up in the same fucked up situations for so long that I don't even realize how far I've gone. 

Feeling isn't my forte anymore. Maybe that's why I don't write as much anymore.

Trauma isn't traumatic if it's commonplace.

Hardship is just fucking whatever at this point.

Those words don't have much of an impact on me at this point and that isn't some kind of fucked up brag. It's just... Desensitized at this point. 

My life is very supported now and I'm just amazed at how lucky I am.

But at the same time my cynical self is trapped in a self fulfilling prophecy of "it never lasts"

I want to take a deep breath without tying a noose around my own neck for fear of choking. 

I want to believe that MAYBE someone is just as invested in making something good work no matter how hard it gets. And I KNOW that I am a VERY hard person to deal with. 

I'm just kind of tired of feeling like that frequent shelter animal that one person beat so now I'm just stuck being shit because every time I get my hopes up it just ends up shittier each fucking time. 

Fucking euthanize me, shit.

That took a turn.

I need a cigarette.

A list of things I think or fear daily

This will not be interesting

• What if I hit an animal while driving and it dies?
• What if it doesn't die
• Why haven't I put gloves in here yet so I don't get rabies??
• WHAT IF I GOT RABIES
• I don't have insurance
• I'll probably die
• I'd kind of be ok with that
• Am I still suicidal?
• I should write more
• I need to work more
• I have no money
• Why can't I just work?
• Why can't I just stop existing so I don't have to worry about it
• Shit... AM I still suicidal??
• I wish I could afford a therapist
• I don't even know how to talk anymore
• My fucking teeth are rotting
• Maybe I'll get an infection 
• I heard bad teeth can make you have a heart attack
• I wish I could fix them
• How long until it's noticeably bad?
• How do you fix something like this?
• I probably can't afford it
• I need to go to college
• I can't even hold a job without throwing up everyday
• Maybe I could get on disability
• There's nothing wrong with me
• That's a lie and I know it
• FUCK
• Hopefully my teeth kill me
• That's a stupid way to die and wtf again with this??
• I wonder if a lobotomy would make me feel better
• I'm getting too old for this
• I'm hungry but I haven't eaten in two days and that makes me happy
• Drinking monster is making my teeth worse
• I can't work without the caffeine
• And I need money to fix my teeth
• Wonder if I can order veneers off amazon
• Fuck am I supposed to be picking up food or dropping it off?
• I need to see a doctor
• They'll probably suggest a psych stay again
• They always do.
• That's fucking annoying they don't even know me
• Maybe I'm really just THAT unstable 
• No. No. No. 
• I'm fine. I'll force me to be fine
• I'm so fucking tired
• Fuck it's only been like 10 minutes. I'm exhausted
• Shit was that a red light?
• Whatever fucking take me death I dare you.
• No I have too much going on for me right now
• Why the fuck am I like this?  

Story not finished

She loved the sound of a thick fluffy snowfall. 

Rather she loved the lack of sound. While others would relax to a fire crackling or a rainstorm she much preferred the soothing effect of stillness. 

The idea of drowning out your own thoughts gave her far more anxiety than confronting them head on.

She did not enjoy the company of others and their incessant  need to fill the silence. 

Whether it be with inane noises or their own blathering voices, both were equally  loathsome.

Sometimes she liked to imagine she was trapped inside of her own snow globe.

Separated from the world in that perfect calm. 

Even when chaos exuded with the shake of an insignificant shift.

The snow always fell and it was calming in that chaos.

None of your fucking business

Imagine how fucking embarrassed I'd be if anyone ever actually gave a shit about what I was saying here. 

Fucking only showing up when I'm dumb enough to acknowledge I can't stand dealing with myself anymore.

How fucking embarrassing.

Self evaluation

Maybe I seek out my own unhappiness. Ruining things that are good to seek out misery. 

Or am I just miserable regardless of my choices?

How much of it is my mental illness and how much is my unconscious desire to continue being in the same state I've always been?

Am I trying to get better or am I just abusing myself in a different way? 

Loneliness

 I honestly don't know what makes me think that I can escape myself for any length of time. I always end up back in the same place. I also think it's funny when I still can't be honest with myself even in some dumbass years old blog no one looks at. The amount of effort I put into denying any sort of genuine feelings I may have is ridiculous.

I make jokes about being crazy but I spend SO MUCH effort trying to convince myself and others that I'm not. 

I miss back when I had an "anonymous" commenter. At least then I knew someone actually saw who I was and gave a shit.

I'm whining. I fucking hate doing that.