Rainbows by Careful Gaze (good song I'm vibing with I'm not allowed things and shit)

 I keep saying I'm going to be on here more so that I'm not being a fucking psycho all of the time.

But I'm not sure if that's actually how I feel about myself or just me being a psycho and taking other's opinions of me too hard. 

It really fucking sucks.

You know the way people tell me that I'm really not that bad but that's only until it's inconvenient. THAT'S when they aren't so forgiving. And I ALWAYS tell them.

I'm different now. I'm distant. I'm this and that.

I don't see it.

This has always been be and I know everyone hates it.

I just hate that they get so mad when they finally see that part.

It hurts.

I honestly don't know what's worse. I guess all of it. 

I KNOW I'm the problem.

I literally say that.

Like IMMEDIATELY before they get attached but then I'm always still the bad guy for "changing" 

I was SUPER upfront about who I am.

You're the one who deceived me pretending like you would be supportive no matter what. You're the liar not me. 

This isn't even specific to one person and that's the worst part.

Everyone hates me eventually. 

It's fucking AMAZING the amount of deception people accuse me of only because I'm fucking SHIT at being a normal human.

God even I'm convinced I'm a fucking monster.

It takes so much fucking effort too ignore all of the thoughts and anger and resentment. I just want to fucking....

Stop.

I'm so fucking tired and I keep going and it's fine.

I know I'm like THE FUCKING WORST and I fucking hate the effort I put into convincing myself to convince other people that I think I'm probably pretty ok.

I feel so fucking selfish. 

I feel fucking selfish

I'm fucking selfish.

Selfish.

Coward.

I bring nothing to the table.

I'm fucking typing on a computer that someone else built in a home that apparently I'm just a guest in. Which is fair. I'm not bringing in any money. I'm not fucking worth anything. I'm a fucking parasite.

I always have been. 

It's a fucking MIRACLE I've survived. I don't know why I ever thought I deserved anything.

I'm a fucking burden.I....

Everyone says they'd be there for you. There's all of this stupid fucking shallow suicide fucking bullshit.

It's so fucking mainstream now. I just... like would I get a lawyer? Like my only hang up is that like... I have debt now and shit. And an amazing handsome man like signed up for that shit. I'm sure he'd like figure it out super quick.

For a couple months I thought I was a beautiful new person. I was going to be a wife and a mother and we'd work through everything because I wasn't the fucking monster everyone thought for no fucking reason.

I'm always overshadowed by the horrible expectations people have of me.

I LITERALLY can't escape myself.

I've spent 28 years of people expecting the worst of me.

And 25 years trying to prove them wrong.

I don't understand how I'm the bad guy at this point. I was cast in a role I wasn't fit for but I'm definitely a people pleaser. 

I'm just playing the fucking part.

That's dramatic. 

I'm not fucking anyone besides my man.