What's wrong?

I get stuck in my head which seems silly when there's nothing here to keep me trapped.

I feel like I think the same 10,000 fears and negative all around thoughts all day under everything on repeat. It's hard to say what's wrong when the only answer I have is "me".

There's nothing expressly wrong. It's just that I'm not really sure that I'll ever be "right" and I'm not sure I really give a shit if I ever am at this point.

I mean hell I could have turned into a murderer. Or like any other sort of monstrous human being instead of the overly empathetic albeit emotionally and psychologically unstable high-functioning fuck up that I am now.

I have nightmares almost every night which is fine. Honestly I think that's better in a weird way.

Like FINALLY there's something that gives me some sort of insight into whatever the fuck I'm feeling. I'm not able to figure out the incessant buzzing in my head most of the time. I call it "bees" but I'm not sure that's an accurate description.

It's hard to describe something that makes it almost impossible to think anything at all. It's like a black hole of thoughts where there's so many the density just sucks in any sort of cognition that's produced outside of it leaving me in a fucking void of "I don't know I'm just tired"

I feel like someone who's viewed too much gore sometimes. Like maybe I am far worse than I think but because I grew up so dysfunctional and continued to end up in the same fucked up situations for so long that I don't even realize how far I've gone. 

Feeling isn't my forte anymore. Maybe that's why I don't write as much anymore.

Trauma isn't traumatic if it's commonplace.

Hardship is just fucking whatever at this point.

Those words don't have much of an impact on me at this point and that isn't some kind of fucked up brag. It's just... Desensitized at this point. 

My life is very supported now and I'm just amazed at how lucky I am.

But at the same time my cynical self is trapped in a self fulfilling prophecy of "it never lasts"

I want to take a deep breath without tying a noose around my own neck for fear of choking. 

I want to believe that MAYBE someone is just as invested in making something good work no matter how hard it gets. And I KNOW that I am a VERY hard person to deal with. 

I'm just kind of tired of feeling like that frequent shelter animal that one person beat so now I'm just stuck being shit because every time I get my hopes up it just ends up shittier each fucking time. 

Fucking euthanize me, shit.

That took a turn.

I need a cigarette.