Control

I'm relapsing HARD and not in that superficial way I was before. 

Not in a being ashamed of gaining weight. No this is a control relapse which is 1000x more potent. It's why I became so anorexic to begin with.

I want that feeling of slowing disappearing because I already feel like I barely exist. 

I just want to feel good at something again.

Maybe it is for attention to be honest. Maybe I just want to see if anyone really sees me. 

That's such a fucking teenage thing to think. It's fucking idiotic but I can't help it.

The most ridiculous thing is that no one gave a shit before so why would it matter this time.

But really I've been waiting for this. For the obsession to reignite. I'm sick of how I am now. I don't give a fuck about anything besides not being disgusting. 

I hyper cleaned today. Basically soaked in bleach. I missed the fucked up way I could focus on obsessions rather than actually dealing with my emotions.

It's comfortable.