I've wanted to die since... Well since I was able to understand what it was. I don't mean that in a self pity way just when I realized what death was when I was 6 and my older sister was no longer there... I've always felt a little jealous when I finally grew into a fully sentient being.
Well that's not it exactly. We were asked if we were twins a LOT. I was very proud of that. No one was more perfect than my older sister. She protected us. And she died because of it. I tried so hard to fill that hole that she never should have in the first place.
I'm rambling again. I came here to talk about suicide again. Because every time I end back here. I wonder what the real cause is for it. But I do think maybe I am a little jealous but mostly just survivors guilt. I wasn't good enough and she should have been there for them.
She would have been able to handle everything after. I have never been strong enough no matter what other people think. I'm not even a real person. If there is a god it makes no sense that I survived this long. And what a cruel fucking god it would be. To take away their one support and leave them with the trash fire that I am.
I hate that they spent so many years having adults saying that they were more broken than I am. It was so fucking cruel. I know they resented me. I deserved everything.
I find value in literally everyone else's life more than my own. I don't see myself as human but rather a misfortunate byproduct of carelessness.
I had a whole plan I wrote about that was derailed because I was poor. I keep thinking that my plans are ruined due to fate but at this point I'm not sure anymore.
Maybe life is just stringing me along. I mean I KNOW there is a pattern of 1 step of good things and then 2 steps of bad things.
Literally living in itself feels like an abusive relationship.
I thought he was different this time.
How do you tell someone that the reason you can't do anything is because they destroyed you again. When you're afraid of them. I love doing all the things but when I'm isolated because my partner gets angry when I talk to my friends I'm too depressed to do cleaning and cooking.
I can't be a wifey when he accuses me of not being that person....
Happy wife=happy life right?
Turns out I am not happy.
I am not happy and it makes it hard to clean and cook. Which ruins everything else because now hes mad. The obvious solution is to talk to him which he wants but he gets SO ANGRY and I'm afraid of him.
I am ashamed but I'm so fucking afraid of him. And he's still blaming me for everything. He's angry because I'm not having enough sex with him. I'm scared because I'm not trusting enough even though he's the reason I have no trust. He's the reason all of my other relationships failed and now he's blaming that on me...
Why didn't he treat any of the other ones the way he treats me?
You give everything to other woman who hurt you for years. I give you everything and you treat me like I'm going to do what they did. Why am I the one that you hurt? Why do you do everything to please horrible women and you abuse me?
Why?
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