Short 1

She had beauty unlike I had ever seen The kind that takes a moment to sink in. Not some 20's girl trying to get laid but a subtle elegance that most would overlook. 

She didn't belong here. In a good way. In the purest way. In a way that most would misunderstand.

 In one moment it was destroyed with the promise of love. The promise of forever.

 Her beauty was torn away with false promise and lust.

 He had beauty unlike she had ever seen. The kind that takes girls breath away. Just some 20's guy, trying to get laid. 

 He had a certain elegance that most would fall for. 

 He belonged here as a shark as a demon as the one who would break hearts... Of poor girls who believed in love...

Short 3

I saw him cry the other night. Deep wrenching sobs that broke through his mask of jovially. I could feel it. I could feel the pain of his mistakes that lead to her walking away. I could feel his loneliness and self hatred. Most of all I could feel his fear and hopefulness clashing. Because he knew she was never coming back. But he still had to hope... With her he was a mess. Without her, well here he was. A man who once would smile through anything with a joke, crying alone. I saw him cry. But pretended I didn't when he came back to the party.

New beginnings

I always think "if this happens then I'll be fine/happy" I still want to kill myself and I still won't...

Alien

I met someone new... Someone wonderful. Someone who reminds me of me before I became what I am. He makes me laugh. Not like the others but in a way that its exactly what I would have said. We have our differences. But we have more alike than anyone I have ever known. Is he lying? He can't be right? Maybe he is... Maybe im falling into the same trap I always have. Our first "date" which I dont and do want to call a date I went back to his place. He offered pajamas and I changed in another room. He didn't touch me. And then when I asked he drove me home... All we did all night was hold hands... But could he be playing me? I've known those who love girls who are hard to get I know how to manipulate them but I REALLY FUCKING HOPE he isn't one of them. If he is. Hes a damn good player to get the cynical cold bitch I am... I haven't given it all... We'll see... Please be real...

Another day

Today was normal... Got drunk watched Netflix. Cuddled a cat and contemplated suicide. Whatever.

I love you

I promise. Had I not been so weak of heart I would have told you. Had I not been so selfish I would have begged forgiveness. Had I not been so fearful I would have given you the same honesty I had for you when we were paired.
Had I known you would have torn yourself from me so cruelly I would have parted sooner.
Had I known I would hurt you so dearly I would have spared you the grief...
If I could take any harm I have caused you on to myself I would bear it with the happiness knowing that you had not witnessed my monstrosity...
I would take your burdens and gladly carry them away from you...
Poems will be written in your honor and yet I hope you shall never see them. My shame is enough to hold for centuries and for you to know how my affections burn on after with wither my intentions.
Do not look at me, I am not worthy

I long for your arms
I want only you.
Need is no longer my reason. I do not need you
But I want you with all that is within me. I want your touch and your voice. I want to wake with your face beside me.
I wish that you deprive me off all things.

But I ask only for you...

Dear internet #2

I'm alone again. Which isn't surprising. Rachel's a bitch and I got too comfortable with being happy. Only this time I had no idea I had fucked up. Defenses need to be tighter. Im fighting against so many invisible enemies that no one believes exist. I wish they could know, just once, that it takes more strength then they're capable of to continue smiling like I do. I think of him. I think of him and its like a panic attack without the panic. Just hours of my chest feeling like my heart was replaced with a black hole. I dont even give a shit anymore. I dont care. I've made it 20 years through abuse. Nothing can hurt me... I'm lying to mostly everyone about where I live. Mentioning vague and nameless coworkers and friends I've been "staying with"... I sleep in my Bravada and its so damn cold... And lonely. But I am as tenacious as a cockroach. Theres a wonderful future just waiting for me to finally catch hold.... I just wish I could've been held just a little longer by him...

I'm a fatass

I hate myself. If I knew how much I weighed I'd probably actually kill myself.... But he's sooooo worth it.

Anorexia helped me

1) I wasn't selfish enough to commit suicide. I was hoping I'd die of a heart attack. Of course I still took vitamins and stuff because I wanted it to be an accidental heart attack and even then I wasn't selfish enough to kill myself with starvation. I had to at least try to not die so I didn't feel guilt.


2) I felt invisible. I didn't think I deserved to exist and so I was trying to slowly disappear. I didn't want to exist anymore. Now I'm fighting that feeling. Trying to feel like im worth something


3) I hated myself. I still do a little bit but I have someone who's slowly teaching me how to be the wonderful person I am.


4) Control. I need control. I need to have everything in place and my plans all going the way I want to. But obviously life doesn't work that way and at least I could control what and when I ate (or didn't) I didn't know how to let go....


5) "The tiny girl" was my identity. Everyone wanted to pick me up and teased me about being so skinny I could hide behind anything. I got a lot of attention for it and as my anxiety and depression worsened I blamed it on puberty and getting "bigger"


6) Anxiety. I worried about EVERYTHING. Anything would send me into a panic and obsessing about calories and my weight and control kept all those fears out. For some reason breaking down at the scale because the water I drank made me "gain" .2 of a pound was better then trying to remind myself that I probably wasn't going to be hit by a crashing plane.


7) Depression. Same as the anxiety expect obsessing over numbers was better then constantly thinking about all the abuse in my life and remembering all the terrible things people have done to me.


8) I wanted to win at something. As long I was losing weight I was winning. The second I gained .1 pounds I was a fucking failure and piece of shit.


9) I'm a faker. I pretend I'm happy and fun and crazy but the truth is I don't like myself. I'm trying to but.... And I wanted to show people something. Maybe if I lost enough weight they'd see I wasn't happy.


10) it was my only way yo self injure for a while.
Next will probably be "Why I self mutilated

Recovery

I'm so big now... It's grotesque

Dear diary # whatever

I want to run away disappear into oblivion. Hold me, I need you. But don't hear me. I'm not worthy or your time. Or anyone else's. I'm the dirt he talks about. Trained to fuck and clean and say nothing

Fighting

Im lonely. Im lonely and its killing me. I cant stand this anymore. Help...

If you're going to date me...

I got sick of blonde

Most Recent

First dear "readers" It's been a while since I've updated my hair... Sooo.... Here's my attempt at Ariel hair. Originallly it was more haley williams and then too vampy but now it's a nice in between...

I'm shit at formatting D: maybe my new 

boyrfriend could teach me <3.... Ok....... Wow this looked like a serious mess before trust me <3. I know I've said it a thousand times but you can say it a billion times and you still can't cancel out the sort of worthlessness and shame everyone has beat into me. If I could go back and kill every mother fucker that ever seriously hurt me without consequences I would...

                          Except then I wouldn't have met you...

Food

I dont know if I can keep eating. I've been trying to eat a meal a day but.... I just... Its probably just bloating and food weight but I feel like im getting so fat. Im probably back up to 110 even though that's still underweight its so fat to me. Im trying so hard but I dont know if I can stand it.

Shit men say

Specifically one thing. When I bring up being insecure about porn they shit like "But I can't touch porn." But im sure you fucking would if you could. Stupidest argument in the world I'm so glad to know I'm better then porn simply because I'm more fucking available. I don't think or look at other dudes exfuckingscuse me for wishing you didn't have those inclinations too. And that whole "its instinct. Its natural." That's a fucking bullshit excuse. Control yourself you fucking child. Its instinct for me to want babies but im not running around getting knocked up. Just because your instincts dont cause immediate harm doesn't mean it still cant hurt me staring at all these "sexy hot" "real" women with actual tits and sex appeal. I'm tired of being the super chill cool girl all the time but I'm not going to be that insecure dumb naiive bitch. I'm not dating because love is selfish and I want nothing to do with it anymore. I'd rather die alone.

Neat things I've 'Stumbled Upon'

Music tools:
http://seaquence.org/
http://tonematrix.audiotool.com/  (simpler)

Games:
www.phoboslab.org/ztype/   Typing
flashflashrevolution.com     Rhythm game/ "DDR on the internet"

awesomeshityoucanbuy.com

http://meowmania.jqln.org/

Dear internet

Again it's been a while. It'd help if someone actually replied. I'm doing.... fine I suppose. I'm still alive by some miracle. By miracle I mean just pure stubbornness. 

I'm a party girl now. I go to parties and I have fun and dance and occasionally indulge in other recreational activities...

I'm single again...

Every time it's like they're the best thing in the entire world and every time I'm just.... Let down. Which is ok I guess. The last one hit me hard enough to leave a mark but I still think it's my fault. Which it is. I'm kind of a shitty person. I'd rather be hurt physically then emotionally. Is that sick? But really even if it hadn't happened I would've just hurt myself, shhhhhhh... As always it could have been worse. Always keep swimming my darlings.

I know, I know abuse is never the "victims" fault but really can you blame me? 21 years of it I mean I've got to be doing *something* wrong. Maybe it's because I don't love myself enough. Honestly I don't love myself at all. It's hard but I deal with it.

I can handle anything.

Haha or that's what I tell everyone. This is a really depressing post and I'm sorry. If I'm going to have a blog I might as well have one place I don't fake it. Usually that's MPA. They understand me there and it's wonderful. I know that I shouldn't be going on there but it wouldn't stop me from doing what I do anyway. My friends don't know me. I got tired of opening up and watching them fall apart or just dissolve into silence because they're not equipped to deal with my problems. This blog originally started because I was lonely when I was 19 and even though I'm surrounded by people who love me that still hasn't changed. That's pretty selfish of me huh? Selfish and whiny and I can't let them know.

There's one person who knows... And I fucking hate them. I hate them seeing who I am and not immediately regretting knowing me. What are they playing at? I get that I have trust issues but there's a good fucking reason for it. I'm waiting for them to show their true colors. To rip away the mask and reveal the douche hidden inside.

But either they're really good at faking for the long haul or they're actually sincere. And the sincerity is what would scare me most of all. I'm unlovable...