Dear internet #2

I'm alone again. Which isn't surprising. Rachel's a bitch and I got too comfortable with being happy. Only this time I had no idea I had fucked up. Defenses need to be tighter. Im fighting against so many invisible enemies that no one believes exist. I wish they could know, just once, that it takes more strength then they're capable of to continue smiling like I do. I think of him. I think of him and its like a panic attack without the panic. Just hours of my chest feeling like my heart was replaced with a black hole. I dont even give a shit anymore. I dont care. I've made it 20 years through abuse. Nothing can hurt me... I'm lying to mostly everyone about where I live. Mentioning vague and nameless coworkers and friends I've been "staying with"... I sleep in my Bravada and its so damn cold... And lonely. But I am as tenacious as a cockroach. Theres a wonderful future just waiting for me to finally catch hold.... I just wish I could've been held just a little longer by him...