Anorexia helped me

1) I wasn't selfish enough to commit suicide. I was hoping I'd die of a heart attack. Of course I still took vitamins and stuff because I wanted it to be an accidental heart attack and even then I wasn't selfish enough to kill myself with starvation. I had to at least try to not die so I didn't feel guilt.


2) I felt invisible. I didn't think I deserved to exist and so I was trying to slowly disappear. I didn't want to exist anymore. Now I'm fighting that feeling. Trying to feel like im worth something


3) I hated myself. I still do a little bit but I have someone who's slowly teaching me how to be the wonderful person I am.


4) Control. I need control. I need to have everything in place and my plans all going the way I want to. But obviously life doesn't work that way and at least I could control what and when I ate (or didn't) I didn't know how to let go....


5) "The tiny girl" was my identity. Everyone wanted to pick me up and teased me about being so skinny I could hide behind anything. I got a lot of attention for it and as my anxiety and depression worsened I blamed it on puberty and getting "bigger"


6) Anxiety. I worried about EVERYTHING. Anything would send me into a panic and obsessing about calories and my weight and control kept all those fears out. For some reason breaking down at the scale because the water I drank made me "gain" .2 of a pound was better then trying to remind myself that I probably wasn't going to be hit by a crashing plane.


7) Depression. Same as the anxiety expect obsessing over numbers was better then constantly thinking about all the abuse in my life and remembering all the terrible things people have done to me.


8) I wanted to win at something. As long I was losing weight I was winning. The second I gained .1 pounds I was a fucking failure and piece of shit.


9) I'm a faker. I pretend I'm happy and fun and crazy but the truth is I don't like myself. I'm trying to but.... And I wanted to show people something. Maybe if I lost enough weight they'd see I wasn't happy.


10) it was my only way yo self injure for a while.
Next will probably be "Why I self mutilated