Dear internet

Again it's been a while. It'd help if someone actually replied. I'm doing.... fine I suppose. I'm still alive by some miracle. By miracle I mean just pure stubbornness. 

I'm a party girl now. I go to parties and I have fun and dance and occasionally indulge in other recreational activities...

I'm single again...

Every time it's like they're the best thing in the entire world and every time I'm just.... Let down. Which is ok I guess. The last one hit me hard enough to leave a mark but I still think it's my fault. Which it is. I'm kind of a shitty person. I'd rather be hurt physically then emotionally. Is that sick? But really even if it hadn't happened I would've just hurt myself, shhhhhhh... As always it could have been worse. Always keep swimming my darlings.

I know, I know abuse is never the "victims" fault but really can you blame me? 21 years of it I mean I've got to be doing *something* wrong. Maybe it's because I don't love myself enough. Honestly I don't love myself at all. It's hard but I deal with it.

I can handle anything.

Haha or that's what I tell everyone. This is a really depressing post and I'm sorry. If I'm going to have a blog I might as well have one place I don't fake it. Usually that's MPA. They understand me there and it's wonderful. I know that I shouldn't be going on there but it wouldn't stop me from doing what I do anyway. My friends don't know me. I got tired of opening up and watching them fall apart or just dissolve into silence because they're not equipped to deal with my problems. This blog originally started because I was lonely when I was 19 and even though I'm surrounded by people who love me that still hasn't changed. That's pretty selfish of me huh? Selfish and whiny and I can't let them know.

There's one person who knows... And I fucking hate them. I hate them seeing who I am and not immediately regretting knowing me. What are they playing at? I get that I have trust issues but there's a good fucking reason for it. I'm waiting for them to show their true colors. To rip away the mask and reveal the douche hidden inside.

But either they're really good at faking for the long haul or they're actually sincere. And the sincerity is what would scare me most of all. I'm unlovable...