I forgot ana

I forgot to mention I haven't been able to eat for a while again. I'm not sure how long. Most of the things I've been throwing away is food I just can't finish.

Haha it makes me feel like a teenager again.

When my mom used to get so angry with me because it took me so long to eat. 

Except now I don't have to finish it when I start to get sick. 

Hiatus and not following through

I knew once I got out of psych it wouldn't be easy. I just didn't know how easy it would be to fall back into the bad habits and how hard it is to break them.

You're SO confident when starting to talk about leaving and then the anxiety and fear slowly creeps in when it starts being more real. 

I have the meds that help. But it sucks coming out of a situation that isn't actually bad but bad for your issues and the anxiety of leaving and then being in a place that knows exactly what you need to get back to a sort of normal brain and then trying to throw yourself back into reality.

Like the reality of not being able to afford therapy or a new place to live or your car that is going to need replacing soon and soon is sooner than you thought. 

Talking to yourself seems more sinister now. Am I slipping? Is this normal? Am I OK?

Am I ok?

Am I ok?

Like my phone keeps scrolling down but I'm not doing it.

Is it broken? That's more money.

The other morning I was tired.

I'm always extra tired now. 

I swear the clock on the stove was blinking but his mom said it wasn't.

Maybe the app is glitching. It's got to be right?

Is my case the problem?

Am I the problem?

I know I am A problem but how big of one?

A side effect is possible nerve issues with my meds. Am I accidentally doing it because of the meds? I've had some weird eye twitching. 

Am I imagining that??

It's the placebo effect right? 

It's just my anxiety making me imagine I'm imagining things.

Right?

Wrong?

I just need to go to bed sooner and take the meds sooner. It just sucks only having like 2 hours to myself. I can't get anything done because I want time to myself. I hate spending my days off trying to do things like cleaning. 

I'm trying to deal with all of these thoughts but I have no time and I don't even have any money to show for it.

I've tried talking to people but (all my text just got highlighted for a split second and it scrolled down again)

It's the app right?

Talking to people is exhausting when they all ask the same questions and I can't answer them because I haven't felt like a human (and I mean that literally) in so long that I don't know who I am as a person just as some weird amalgamation of the manic pixie dream girl/actual mental illess/what kept repeating in my head for all these years.

Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm not real again.

It's a bad feeling. It makes you question literally everything and if you go too deep you get lost... 

I'm worried someday I won't find a way back.

I do feel a little better typing this all out. 

Goodnight my loneliness.

Acceptance (11/4)

 Just came back from psych so the next few posts will be from my journal I kept.

Friday 11/4/22

Adam apparently called my mom because I had been sleeping for two days straight so she showed up and made me get up and go for a drive with her.

I wasn't sure what day it was or how many it had been, just like the week before, I think she knew it was different this time.

She said Adam had told her a little bit and that he was really worried and she had asked if she needed to show up and he said she really should.

I guess if I had refused she would've called him to come get me too. 

of course I went with her. She's my mom and I needed her.

Adam's been saying that for weeks.

When she asked me what's wrong I couldn't tell her. I just kept crying the way I have been for weeks. It didn't feel like I was crying until my face was wet.

She asked if I needed help and I nodded. 

She asked if I'd let her help and I just said, "Please."

I still wasn't able to tell her WHAT was wrong only that it didn't feel like depression, it felt more like drowning. Like something was forcing me down and the more I fought the harder it pulled and I couldn't fight anymore.

I told her I was exhausted all of the time. I was sleeping but it came with twisted dreams and I'd wake up sweating or freezing. I couldn't wake up in the mornings. Usually I was awake before my first alarm but even after setting two extra alarms I slept through all four of them.

I told her I couldn't eat. I'd maybe eaten a couple bites everyday but it made me nauseous and sometimes I'd just throw it up.

She asked if I had lost weight and I didn't think I had but at the hospital I had lost 10 lbs.

She asked if I wanted to go to the ER right then and there. I told her I wanted one more night because I was scared.

"Are you sure you'll still want to go tomorrow?"

"I have to."

Happy Halloween

 I try to talk to new people. 

Being lonely is my problem.

don't know why I thought talking to new people would make me less lonely

it's a process. 

I know nobody wants to deal with me

no one want's to admit it.

I'm writing this like I write poems

guess its time

I promised to be less sad but it's hard when...

I'm working hard.

I love him I always have I don't know.

I'm still tired I always am.

I need to blog more

Not just when I'm sad.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do a prompt and do something different for once.

Not play video games right away to try and ignore myself.

MPA community

I tried to log in today after a long time and found my favorite community might not exist anymore. Probably because it was misunderstood.

I haven't been able to eat anything in almost a week. And when I do it makes me sick. 

I'm not forcing it onto myself. It's probably because of the break up and stress induced.

I have people wanted to talk to me. But I can't. I can't because maybe they won't get it.

I can feel my stomach growling but... everything is vile to me. I eat what I can. 

If I were actively choosing anorexia I wouldn't drink fucking pop. I'm doing that for the calories but now I'm cut off from people who actually fucking understand me.

I just wanted to talk to people who understood me and it's gone because "we're sick" and bad influences when really most of us spent a shit ton of time begging people who wanted to "become anorexic" to please get help and don't come here and there were A LOT of pro recovery and support forums.

It was a place for everyone with ED to feel less alone. 

I think the worst thing to do to someone with ED is to make them feel more alone. 

They were the ones that taught me how to do it SAFELY.

I DONT WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT HOW IM RELAPSING.

All they say is "OH no you HAVE TO EAT." Like it's fucking easy.

"Go see a doctor"

"Get more friends" 

"Relax"

Like it's FUCKING EASY

...

Everyone thinks it's so easy. I hate how easy it is to trick people. 

It's so EASY.

Just talk to them. Just tell them. Just do the thing.

I wish they could feel what I do.

I KNOW ITS FUCKING EASY.

Sort of. I know how to fake it. It's just gotten worse over time and I'm fucking tired.

I'm always fucking tired and I can't fucking sleep and I've started looking a huge pile of pills and disappearing as the only option to stop how tired I am but I love people and it fucking sucks.

I have NEVER wanted to be her not since 8.

And yet I'D be the selfish one. I HAVE TO work on myself. I HAVE TO stay here. I don't understand why. 

Why do I have to work SO FUCKING HARD TO STAY HERE WHEN I HATE IT?

It's stupid. Everyone always says I can always talk to them but I can't.

Everyone leaves me.

"OH if you work on your problems you'll have a more fulfilling life and you won't hurt those who love you anymore"

All of that is fucking bullshit. It's bullshit that I'm being considered the selfish one because I'm the problem. It's bullshit that I asked to see my parents and when they never actually said they wanted to I was too depressed when they asked DAY OF if I was still planning on it.

NO I THOUGHT YOU GHOSTED ME???

I hate myself. 

I HATE that I have to wait until January to see a psychiatrist before I can MAYBE get help I hate that I can't afford anything. I hate that I'm living in my ex-boyfriends moms house on a futon. 

I hate that as much as people say they care.... I'm still always left alone. 

Everyone has their own things and I get that. I really get that. 

Mental Healthcare sucks. It has sucked for a decade.

I didn't see a doctor in so many years because they'd just look at my arms and suggest the psych ward when I was asking for birth control. Or throw pills at you. 

I doubt I could afford a psych stay. I can't afford shit.

Especially if I wasn't working. 

I've felt like I'm out of options for a long time.

I say I always figure it out but... 

I thought I had and I was wrong again.

Accidental Suicide

 I wish I could say things out loud instead of typing.

Sometimes it just feels so overbearing to use so much of my brain at one time just for it to expel the nonsense it's constantly bombarded me with for so many years. 

I've always known I'm deteriorating. Always.

You can claim other bullshit about abuse and what have you but I have never really felt like I should exist. 

And honestly if you knew my story about robo-tripping at 20 in Cambridge you'd believe me.

It could be bipolar or DID or my officially diagnosed BPD. Maybe I have a whole fucking flock of mental fucked upness that no one could have seen because I'm just SO FUCKING NORMAL AND GOOD.

Considering my "normal" ness didn't last long after I hit puberty I'm surprised the "high-functioning" bit has worked this long...

When I read my old posts I realize that I really haven't done anything different.

I have made changes and at the same time I'm still making the same mistakes but to be fair there really isn't much choice for me. 

I would like to spend a few minutes blaming those that love me.

This is where I wish I could talk instead.

I decided not to actually...

I'm not sure how to write this next part because I've written so many suicide notes. Is it an anti-suicide note?

I'm almost 30 (kind of). I have no idea how to process that. There's so much about me that I have never let another person know and it sucks thinking that this may be forever. Just constantly pretending I 

"SURVIVED SUICIDE"

When really I just got a LOT of bad luck whenever I tried to go through with it and then pretended it was fine.

I want the voodoo doll Xaq made me put with me when Im hopefully creamated.

He was the only one who understood me completely and it sucked hearing everyone be horrible to him. Just because he made the worst decisions. I just hid mine better. 

Ick I'm just writing another suicide note. 

I'm not bitter

 I thought I was being a selfish piece of shit for wanting to kill myself once again. Reading my old posts just reminds me of how alone I am and how much no one else gives a fuck about how I feel.

So many words about wanting to make sure others are happy and why I'm so selfish...

I'm so fucking alone right now.

At least I'm a little bit free.

No one fucking asks me how I am. 

I don't even feel selfish at this point. I have given all I can.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I never have.

No one will fucking see this. 

I don't fucking matter beyond some shallow fucking bullshit

I'm going to move all my shit into my storage unit....

I'm just fucking done. 

I know I drink too much

I know I don't cuddle 

I know I don't have sex

I know I have depression

I know I literally have no fucking value

You don't have to remind me how worthless I am

I spend as much time as I can working and I get depressed and can't do anything else.

I can't live by myself

I'm almost 30 I'm broken as shit.

I've got what like 20 years of struggle??

not interested. 

I'm done. 

not a suicide note btw

Not that anyone reads this shit xD

Don't worry

I might be actually done.

I've tried. I've tried so hard for so long but it's been hard to fight for so fucking long.

I shouldn't be here.

Existence hurts.

I've been working on it for years.

The silly thing is a part of me still wishes....

everyone comes for me for their suicidal thoughts

and I help them I talk to them I tell them how wonderful they are

how much I love them and how the world would be worse without them.

I'm not doing it now.

Obvs.

I had a FAIRLY SOLID plan before. But realizing there's much more.

No one reads this.

I've literally been yelling to the abyss for a decade. 

It's kind of hilarious. 

Again nothing is happening if any little weirdo shows up

Doubtful since I'm pretty sure I put my previous plans here.