Acceptance (11/4)

 Just came back from psych so the next few posts will be from my journal I kept.

Friday 11/4/22

Adam apparently called my mom because I had been sleeping for two days straight so she showed up and made me get up and go for a drive with her.

I wasn't sure what day it was or how many it had been, just like the week before, I think she knew it was different this time.

She said Adam had told her a little bit and that he was really worried and she had asked if she needed to show up and he said she really should.

I guess if I had refused she would've called him to come get me too. 

of course I went with her. She's my mom and I needed her.

Adam's been saying that for weeks.

When she asked me what's wrong I couldn't tell her. I just kept crying the way I have been for weeks. It didn't feel like I was crying until my face was wet.

She asked if I needed help and I nodded. 

She asked if I'd let her help and I just said, "Please."

I still wasn't able to tell her WHAT was wrong only that it didn't feel like depression, it felt more like drowning. Like something was forcing me down and the more I fought the harder it pulled and I couldn't fight anymore.

I told her I was exhausted all of the time. I was sleeping but it came with twisted dreams and I'd wake up sweating or freezing. I couldn't wake up in the mornings. Usually I was awake before my first alarm but even after setting two extra alarms I slept through all four of them.

I told her I couldn't eat. I'd maybe eaten a couple bites everyday but it made me nauseous and sometimes I'd just throw it up.

She asked if I had lost weight and I didn't think I had but at the hospital I had lost 10 lbs.

She asked if I wanted to go to the ER right then and there. I told her I wanted one more night because I was scared.

"Are you sure you'll still want to go tomorrow?"

"I have to."