MPA community

I tried to log in today after a long time and found my favorite community might not exist anymore. Probably because it was misunderstood.

I haven't been able to eat anything in almost a week. And when I do it makes me sick. 

I'm not forcing it onto myself. It's probably because of the break up and stress induced.

I have people wanted to talk to me. But I can't. I can't because maybe they won't get it.

I can feel my stomach growling but... everything is vile to me. I eat what I can. 

If I were actively choosing anorexia I wouldn't drink fucking pop. I'm doing that for the calories but now I'm cut off from people who actually fucking understand me.

I just wanted to talk to people who understood me and it's gone because "we're sick" and bad influences when really most of us spent a shit ton of time begging people who wanted to "become anorexic" to please get help and don't come here and there were A LOT of pro recovery and support forums.

It was a place for everyone with ED to feel less alone. 

I think the worst thing to do to someone with ED is to make them feel more alone. 

They were the ones that taught me how to do it SAFELY.

I DONT WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT HOW IM RELAPSING.

All they say is "OH no you HAVE TO EAT." Like it's fucking easy.

"Go see a doctor"

"Get more friends" 

"Relax"

Like it's FUCKING EASY

...

Everyone thinks it's so easy. I hate how easy it is to trick people. 

It's so EASY.

Just talk to them. Just tell them. Just do the thing.

I wish they could feel what I do.

I KNOW ITS FUCKING EASY.

Sort of. I know how to fake it. It's just gotten worse over time and I'm fucking tired.

I'm always fucking tired and I can't fucking sleep and I've started looking a huge pile of pills and disappearing as the only option to stop how tired I am but I love people and it fucking sucks.

I have NEVER wanted to be her not since 8.

And yet I'D be the selfish one. I HAVE TO work on myself. I HAVE TO stay here. I don't understand why. 

Why do I have to work SO FUCKING HARD TO STAY HERE WHEN I HATE IT?

It's stupid. Everyone always says I can always talk to them but I can't.

Everyone leaves me.

"OH if you work on your problems you'll have a more fulfilling life and you won't hurt those who love you anymore"

All of that is fucking bullshit. It's bullshit that I'm being considered the selfish one because I'm the problem. It's bullshit that I asked to see my parents and when they never actually said they wanted to I was too depressed when they asked DAY OF if I was still planning on it.

NO I THOUGHT YOU GHOSTED ME???

I hate myself. 

I HATE that I have to wait until January to see a psychiatrist before I can MAYBE get help I hate that I can't afford anything. I hate that I'm living in my ex-boyfriends moms house on a futon. 

I hate that as much as people say they care.... I'm still always left alone. 

Everyone has their own things and I get that. I really get that. 

Mental Healthcare sucks. It has sucked for a decade.

I didn't see a doctor in so many years because they'd just look at my arms and suggest the psych ward when I was asking for birth control. Or throw pills at you. 

I doubt I could afford a psych stay. I can't afford shit.

Especially if I wasn't working. 

I've felt like I'm out of options for a long time.

I say I always figure it out but... 

I thought I had and I was wrong again.