Hiatus and not following through

I knew once I got out of psych it wouldn't be easy. I just didn't know how easy it would be to fall back into the bad habits and how hard it is to break them.

You're SO confident when starting to talk about leaving and then the anxiety and fear slowly creeps in when it starts being more real. 

I have the meds that help. But it sucks coming out of a situation that isn't actually bad but bad for your issues and the anxiety of leaving and then being in a place that knows exactly what you need to get back to a sort of normal brain and then trying to throw yourself back into reality.

Like the reality of not being able to afford therapy or a new place to live or your car that is going to need replacing soon and soon is sooner than you thought. 

Talking to yourself seems more sinister now. Am I slipping? Is this normal? Am I OK?

Am I ok?

Am I ok?

Like my phone keeps scrolling down but I'm not doing it.

Is it broken? That's more money.

The other morning I was tired.

I'm always extra tired now. 

I swear the clock on the stove was blinking but his mom said it wasn't.

Maybe the app is glitching. It's got to be right?

Is my case the problem?

Am I the problem?

I know I am A problem but how big of one?

A side effect is possible nerve issues with my meds. Am I accidentally doing it because of the meds? I've had some weird eye twitching. 

Am I imagining that??

It's the placebo effect right? 

It's just my anxiety making me imagine I'm imagining things.

Right?

Wrong?

I just need to go to bed sooner and take the meds sooner. It just sucks only having like 2 hours to myself. I can't get anything done because I want time to myself. I hate spending my days off trying to do things like cleaning. 

I'm trying to deal with all of these thoughts but I have no time and I don't even have any money to show for it.

I've tried talking to people but (all my text just got highlighted for a split second and it scrolled down again)

It's the app right?

Talking to people is exhausting when they all ask the same questions and I can't answer them because I haven't felt like a human (and I mean that literally) in so long that I don't know who I am as a person just as some weird amalgamation of the manic pixie dream girl/actual mental illess/what kept repeating in my head for all these years.

Just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm not real again.

It's a bad feeling. It makes you question literally everything and if you go too deep you get lost... 

I'm worried someday I won't find a way back.

I do feel a little better typing this all out. 

Goodnight my loneliness.