There's no one

 To talk to without anger

Rainbows by Careful Gaze (good song I'm vibing with I'm not allowed things and shit)

 I keep saying I'm going to be on here more so that I'm not being a fucking psycho all of the time.

But I'm not sure if that's actually how I feel about myself or just me being a psycho and taking other's opinions of me too hard. 

It really fucking sucks.

You know the way people tell me that I'm really not that bad but that's only until it's inconvenient. THAT'S when they aren't so forgiving. And I ALWAYS tell them.

I'm different now. I'm distant. I'm this and that.

I don't see it.

This has always been be and I know everyone hates it.

I just hate that they get so mad when they finally see that part.

It hurts.

I honestly don't know what's worse. I guess all of it. 

I KNOW I'm the problem.

I literally say that.

Like IMMEDIATELY before they get attached but then I'm always still the bad guy for "changing" 

I was SUPER upfront about who I am.

You're the one who deceived me pretending like you would be supportive no matter what. You're the liar not me. 

This isn't even specific to one person and that's the worst part.

Everyone hates me eventually. 

It's fucking AMAZING the amount of deception people accuse me of only because I'm fucking SHIT at being a normal human.

God even I'm convinced I'm a fucking monster.

It takes so much fucking effort too ignore all of the thoughts and anger and resentment. I just want to fucking....

Stop.

I'm so fucking tired and I keep going and it's fine.

I know I'm like THE FUCKING WORST and I fucking hate the effort I put into convincing myself to convince other people that I think I'm probably pretty ok.

I feel so fucking selfish. 

I feel fucking selfish

I'm fucking selfish.

Selfish.

Coward.

I bring nothing to the table.

I'm fucking typing on a computer that someone else built in a home that apparently I'm just a guest in. Which is fair. I'm not bringing in any money. I'm not fucking worth anything. I'm a fucking parasite.

I always have been. 

It's a fucking MIRACLE I've survived. I don't know why I ever thought I deserved anything.

I'm a fucking burden.I....

Everyone says they'd be there for you. There's all of this stupid fucking shallow suicide fucking bullshit.

It's so fucking mainstream now. I just... like would I get a lawyer? Like my only hang up is that like... I have debt now and shit. And an amazing handsome man like signed up for that shit. I'm sure he'd like figure it out super quick.

For a couple months I thought I was a beautiful new person. I was going to be a wife and a mother and we'd work through everything because I wasn't the fucking monster everyone thought for no fucking reason.

I'm always overshadowed by the horrible expectations people have of me.

I LITERALLY can't escape myself.

I've spent 28 years of people expecting the worst of me.

And 25 years trying to prove them wrong.

I don't understand how I'm the bad guy at this point. I was cast in a role I wasn't fit for but I'm definitely a people pleaser. 

I'm just playing the fucking part.

That's dramatic. 

I'm not fucking anyone besides my man. 

What's wrong?

I get stuck in my head which seems silly when there's nothing here to keep me trapped.

I feel like I think the same 10,000 fears and negative all around thoughts all day under everything on repeat. It's hard to say what's wrong when the only answer I have is "me".

There's nothing expressly wrong. It's just that I'm not really sure that I'll ever be "right" and I'm not sure I really give a shit if I ever am at this point.

I mean hell I could have turned into a murderer. Or like any other sort of monstrous human being instead of the overly empathetic albeit emotionally and psychologically unstable high-functioning fuck up that I am now.

I have nightmares almost every night which is fine. Honestly I think that's better in a weird way.

Like FINALLY there's something that gives me some sort of insight into whatever the fuck I'm feeling. I'm not able to figure out the incessant buzzing in my head most of the time. I call it "bees" but I'm not sure that's an accurate description.

It's hard to describe something that makes it almost impossible to think anything at all. It's like a black hole of thoughts where there's so many the density just sucks in any sort of cognition that's produced outside of it leaving me in a fucking void of "I don't know I'm just tired"

I feel like someone who's viewed too much gore sometimes. Like maybe I am far worse than I think but because I grew up so dysfunctional and continued to end up in the same fucked up situations for so long that I don't even realize how far I've gone. 

Feeling isn't my forte anymore. Maybe that's why I don't write as much anymore.

Trauma isn't traumatic if it's commonplace.

Hardship is just fucking whatever at this point.

Those words don't have much of an impact on me at this point and that isn't some kind of fucked up brag. It's just... Desensitized at this point. 

My life is very supported now and I'm just amazed at how lucky I am.

But at the same time my cynical self is trapped in a self fulfilling prophecy of "it never lasts"

I want to take a deep breath without tying a noose around my own neck for fear of choking. 

I want to believe that MAYBE someone is just as invested in making something good work no matter how hard it gets. And I KNOW that I am a VERY hard person to deal with. 

I'm just kind of tired of feeling like that frequent shelter animal that one person beat so now I'm just stuck being shit because every time I get my hopes up it just ends up shittier each fucking time. 

Fucking euthanize me, shit.

That took a turn.

I need a cigarette.

A list of things I think or fear daily

This will not be interesting

• What if I hit an animal while driving and it dies?
• What if it doesn't die
• Why haven't I put gloves in here yet so I don't get rabies??
• WHAT IF I GOT RABIES
• I don't have insurance
• I'll probably die
• I'd kind of be ok with that
• Am I still suicidal?
• I should write more
• I need to work more
• I have no money
• Why can't I just work?
• Why can't I just stop existing so I don't have to worry about it
• Shit... AM I still suicidal??
• I wish I could afford a therapist
• I don't even know how to talk anymore
• My fucking teeth are rotting
• Maybe I'll get an infection 
• I heard bad teeth can make you have a heart attack
• I wish I could fix them
• How long until it's noticeably bad?
• How do you fix something like this?
• I probably can't afford it
• I need to go to college
• I can't even hold a job without throwing up everyday
• Maybe I could get on disability
• There's nothing wrong with me
• That's a lie and I know it
• FUCK
• Hopefully my teeth kill me
• That's a stupid way to die and wtf again with this??
• I wonder if a lobotomy would make me feel better
• I'm getting too old for this
• I'm hungry but I haven't eaten in two days and that makes me happy
• Drinking monster is making my teeth worse
• I can't work without the caffeine
• And I need money to fix my teeth
• Wonder if I can order veneers off amazon
• Fuck am I supposed to be picking up food or dropping it off?
• I need to see a doctor
• They'll probably suggest a psych stay again
• They always do.
• That's fucking annoying they don't even know me
• Maybe I'm really just THAT unstable 
• No. No. No. 
• I'm fine. I'll force me to be fine
• I'm so fucking tired
• Fuck it's only been like 10 minutes. I'm exhausted
• Shit was that a red light?
• Whatever fucking take me death I dare you.
• No I have too much going on for me right now
• Why the fuck am I like this?  

Story not finished

She loved the sound of a thick fluffy snowfall. 

Rather she loved the lack of sound. While others would relax to a fire crackling or a rainstorm she much preferred the soothing effect of stillness. 

The idea of drowning out your own thoughts gave her far more anxiety than confronting them head on.

She did not enjoy the company of others and their incessant  need to fill the silence. 

Whether it be with inane noises or their own blathering voices, both were equally  loathsome.

Sometimes she liked to imagine she was trapped inside of her own snow globe.

Separated from the world in that perfect calm. 

Even when chaos exuded with the shake of an insignificant shift.

The snow always fell and it was calming in that chaos.