Bright eyed and bushy tailed

 It's something an old therapist used to ask is if I was feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed. I thought it was cute on good days and it irritated the fuck out of me on bad days.

I always tried to be polite and "do the work" but I think she could really tell. That's why she asked it. Immediately she could tell where I was by asking that because I either giggled or said "Of course".

Now I like to compare my feelings as "bright eyed and bushy tailed" or "full of bees". It does help me a lot when I can't tell you why I am being the way I am. Which is often. Most of the times I don't even know it's happening until it's too late. I try really hard but it seems like it gets harder every year to control it. 

I've kind of being a bitch for a few weeks. Just depressed and irritated and tbh seeing things which pisses me off more. I haven't felt good in a while. It's this unending cycle of bullshit that just seems to get harder. I know I need to apply for some assistance but I can't because I'd rather just disappear but I can't because I know at some point it will go away. But I'm always afraid one day it won't and I'll just be broken or I'll go actually crazy.

I do watch funny things and have fun in bad times but it feels like falling down a steep hill and trying to grab anything you can to avoid getting to the bottom too fast.

It just feels like when you get a couple seconds of air while drowning.

Or in a horror movie when you thought you got away and you just get pulled back in.

It doesn't even feel good. Just OK for a few seconds and then it's like the curtains fall down again and you're left where you were to begin with.

Today I felt good and I sang little songs and I actually ate without feeling sick. I had a good day. The first in a long while I forgot I could feel this way. It always feels like it's going to be forever when it's bad.

I'm just happy I have people to help me feel less like a dickhead when it does go on for a while.

I feel like I don't deserve these people and I feel like I'm a burden but I let them force me to believe in myself everyday because they believe in me and I know they aren't stupid.

I'm not alive for me and I'm not alive for them. I'm not just staying alive I'm trying to make it better and they know that I can make it better for myself.

And I'm not friends with idiots so they're probably right