Once upon a time... (1/?)

I existed. And I hated every second of it.

Honestly it's none of your business but no one will read this so fuck it you non person reading this.

Found out I'm schizoaffective Bipolar with paranoia. (previously diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder) I also have a huge problem with being in general public. I have meds for Panic Attacks. Mainly because I can't go outside. We can talk about Agoraphobia and the lack of mental health care later.

Oh I forgot they thought I had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) I was too young. I think it's just what it is now. I don't think they really know.

I'm unmedicated. I couldn't afford the psychiatrist with work insurance. 

And I needed her to give me the meds. 

BUT the meds made me sick for 3 weeks that's fine. My job hated that. I was penalized. I got covid.

It's a good work place.

I was still spending a shit ton of money on insurance and still a shit ton on the psychiatrist.

I think I went too soon. No one's here. should start at the beginning sans the shit stuff.

I existed. 

I spent everything on my siblings.

I was responsible. We were in fostercare. I was the leader after a fucked up bit non of your business.

They were both mad. I knew it. We stuck together. I'd do anything for them. I've done more than that sometimes.

I remember Kevin's house. I think I was 6 I'm not sure. I was balancing on a log. Trying to whistle the star wars theme.

I remember being "taught" how to ride a bike. I hit a rock and my nose bled. 

I remember "Max" the husky that was supposed to be mine. they shoved me in the cage and I was scared. I had already been attacked by a dog. I was supposed to be strong and tame a dog. I was 6....

That was fucked up right?

I remember being left outside. The neighbor kids and adults gave us food and warm things. Through the fence. They were afraid of getting us in trouble.

I hide food and things. 

Maybe I'll talk about my fears and nightmares later....

Too short a post sorry friends

 I've been doing pretty well.

No Bees for a while.

Some sads. Some manic. 

I don't talk much. That's ok.

I'm just ok the bees are gone. 

Um

Sorry this is awkward I'm supposed to be more verbose.

I miss friends.

I think I missed music more probably

This isn't a poem that would be hilarious

or sad?

Seperate thoughts need separate lines

otherwise it looks stupid or something.

Trying

 I'm drawing I'm writing sometimes.

I have a scalpel.

I pretend to myself I don't think of it everyday.

This isn't another letter just. I'm trying to pretend that I don't want to use my tools.

I'm using my healthy tools. I don't want to be here. But I will continue.

"I'm Ok" by 'Call Me Karizma'

I haven't felt good about myself. I've had a lot of people encourage me.

I can't do anything bad. I made people promise me. It's not the most effective. But you think about the person and think about how if they did it you'd be sad. I don't want to lose someone else and I won't let them be broken because of me.

"Don't hurt yourself and I won't" 

Bright eyed and bushy tailed

 It's something an old therapist used to ask is if I was feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed. I thought it was cute on good days and it irritated the fuck out of me on bad days.

I always tried to be polite and "do the work" but I think she could really tell. That's why she asked it. Immediately she could tell where I was by asking that because I either giggled or said "Of course".

Now I like to compare my feelings as "bright eyed and bushy tailed" or "full of bees". It does help me a lot when I can't tell you why I am being the way I am. Which is often. Most of the times I don't even know it's happening until it's too late. I try really hard but it seems like it gets harder every year to control it. 

I've kind of being a bitch for a few weeks. Just depressed and irritated and tbh seeing things which pisses me off more. I haven't felt good in a while. It's this unending cycle of bullshit that just seems to get harder. I know I need to apply for some assistance but I can't because I'd rather just disappear but I can't because I know at some point it will go away. But I'm always afraid one day it won't and I'll just be broken or I'll go actually crazy.

I do watch funny things and have fun in bad times but it feels like falling down a steep hill and trying to grab anything you can to avoid getting to the bottom too fast.

It just feels like when you get a couple seconds of air while drowning.

Or in a horror movie when you thought you got away and you just get pulled back in.

It doesn't even feel good. Just OK for a few seconds and then it's like the curtains fall down again and you're left where you were to begin with.

Today I felt good and I sang little songs and I actually ate without feeling sick. I had a good day. The first in a long while I forgot I could feel this way. It always feels like it's going to be forever when it's bad.

I'm just happy I have people to help me feel less like a dickhead when it does go on for a while.

I feel like I don't deserve these people and I feel like I'm a burden but I let them force me to believe in myself everyday because they believe in me and I know they aren't stupid.

I'm not alive for me and I'm not alive for them. I'm not just staying alive I'm trying to make it better and they know that I can make it better for myself.

And I'm not friends with idiots so they're probably right