I thought this was deleted

 When I originally logged on it prompted me to create a new blog. I even wrote this whole spiel:

" I can see my old poetry blog (Tangled Web Poetry) but I'm not entirely sure if I still have access. I tried logging in and it sent me here. 

I don't care about my actual more bloggy one. That I stopped using probably way before the poetry.

It might just be embarrassing to read at this point.

I wrote a lot about my anorexia in that one I think. And depressing shit that had been going on. Honestly it's probably best if I didn't revisit those. I have a terrible memory which is definitely a blessing and a curse. A blessing at the moment because reading how much I hated myself at 103 lbs would be a nice reminder of how worse and yet better off I am now.

It feels like that was a completely different person and I'm not sure if I'll ever figure out if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm not sure about a lot of things still. 

I always went there when I felt out of control or like I couldn't talk to anyone which to be honest I never really felt I could to begin with so I spent quite a few nights typing away to an invisible audience. Although to be fair I really only do this for myself. "

Of course my old friend google helped me out. Now I just want to change the name of the blog.

It's been three years which makes sense.

I'm 27. I'm homeless again. I feel like a lot of people think that's a bad thing but honestly I'm not so sure. I've never been huge on being tied down anywhere. I wonder if that's part of the reason I am the way I am.

Diagnosed with BPD always felt like this non-ending battle that I sometimes gave up on but I wonder if maybe it's just inevitable. That no matter how happy or content I am I will always want something different or difficult. 

I used to think I hated difficulty but sometimes I just miss the challenge. I don't know whether that's the disorder or actually me talking though.

I really loved him. With everything. I thought I would never find anything good and then he showed up. 

Side note I recently got my birth control implant out. I got it put in a couple months after we started dating and not long after is when I gained all the weight. After the breakup I was depressed and wondering what happened to the old me that no longer needed this blog to vomit up my melodramatic emo shit. And I don't know whether it was my toxic reliance on him or the new birth control. Of course now I wonder if it was the birth control that ultimately caused the destruction of our relationship.

Honestly I still assume its me.

I'm still pretty fucked up. I know I have plenty of excuses why but I hate excuses. I'd get therapy if I could but this is America and it's only really good for the rich. 

Please excuse my scattered thoughts. I wonder if it's getting worse as time passes. I wonder if I'm actually any better or if I'm just better at repressing how toxic I am as a person.

I keep dreaming about him and there's a big part of me that believes others when they say he didn't treat me right but I know that I wasn't treating him right either. All I know is those dreams hurt. The weirdest thing is I don't even want him back really. I think mostly because I know I'm not good and he is. I want him happy and I'm terrified of the day that happiness is found with someone else. 

I always feel like there's too much inside me and there's no way I can ever get it out. I can come up with a thousand different cliches and none of them will ever make me feel real. Like I'm a caricature of angst that even I want to make fun of. 

And I do.

Last Thanksgiving my parents called a welfare check on me. I guess they thought I finally killed myself. It sucked having the police knock on my door at 3am. It sucked more to have to deal with finding all of the messages my family had sent terrified that I had finally followed through.

I feel horrible about it still.

I don't know if I'm suicidal still. I know that sounds weird but it's the way it is. I'm so good at hiding emotions I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I'm staying with Rain. Have been for a while. Since the end of my lease with who I'll now call uhhhh... Eh what does it matter really? I guess if I choose something cringy I'll have to live with it forever. Call him VR fuck it. He was too good to feel real anyway or something like that.

It's nice and also stressful. It's funny though he was here around the beginning of this blog and now we're back.

I really don't know what I'd do without him. Not in a romantic way or anything. And also not in a "I'd be extra homeless way"

It really helped me to have him. I just want to cry like a lot. Like a stupid obnoxious amount and I'm fucking terrified of the future and everything to be honest but he grounds me. I get irritated because he talks ALL THE TIME but honestly I love having him anchor me to what is now instead of spiraling into whatever abyss is waiting for me if I'm left to my own thoughts for too long. I love the person he is and I love feeling like we're both learning how to not be such assholes. I'm always scared he's going to get sick of me though.

Sometimes I won't try to work for a couple days and I feel like such a failure. I worry he'll think I'm just using him. 

It's nice to laugh about dumb jokes and to be around someone who already knows how garbage I am and is on basically the same weirdo wave-length.

It's strange even here I feel reserved about being emotionally vulnerable. I know no one will ever read it and yet I still want to put up walls. Maybe I've just gotten to a whole new level of lying to myself. Like if I just don't type it out it won't be real.

But nothing really feels real anyway so I'm not sure why it matters.

I get asked a lot about what I'm thinking and it always feels like there's too much to even begin figuring it out just for myself. I feel like a twat thinking that even. But I guess coming from someone who finds it hard to describe just feelings in general it makes sense. 

It makes me think about how some languages have words that can't be translated. Sometimes it feels like whatever is happening just doesn't exist in a way I can explain to people. 

I don't think I would even if I could. It's not very nice in here.