Maybe but probably not

   Sometimes I miss the ones that have hurt me. Not because they were good but because I think that if I had just done better, worked harder or gave more maybe by now the happiness we had at the beginning would have reignited in the now.
   I know it's a stupid thing to think. But I still do every now and then.

Update

I'm promoted to shift manager. I'm still in Minnetonka. I'm determined to go to the DMV to turn in the dumb fucking insurance verification to get my license back.
I'm 24.
Everything is better.
I feel like complete shit. I've thought about saving up for a gun once I get a car. Drive out to no where. After visiting all my family. Maybe id get a rental garage for all my stuff. It'd be after I moved out.

I wouldn't though.
I just wish I had one friend.
The last 4 people I talked to was apparently only interested until they got bored and it was just me kissing their ass the whole time.
I'd rather be alone.

Emergency kits.

Fuck it. He found my found box of medicine. Threw it out I assume.
I bought sutures.
The infection scare with my last overzealous endeavor and the three months of having my insides displayed and weeping for the sixth time convinced me maybe I should up my self care post Rachel.
Hopefully I won't need it until after I can get some sore of medical grade numbing agent. Unless I just don't need it.
I'm going to make kits. I have the boxes scalpels, blades and now medical shit to stitch me back together just in case.
Everything is so fucked up.
Everything I am is fake.
I work so hard for everything.
Keep it secret keep it safe.

Forever girl (poetry)

If you think you love me.
Stay silent
If your heart promises forever
Know it lies

I am not a forever girl
Your devotion will expire

Body dismorphia disorder

I can see how disgusting I am. I can see how distorted I look I can see the difference.
I know I saw myself more beautiful and normal before.
But all I can see is my brains Photoshop horror.
I'm fat.

From my poetry

Monday, March 13, 2017

This is

It hurts, I'm so tired
My existence is composed of ice
Refuse fuel for one more day
Keep going 
You're too strong 
Don't be weak
Dizziness is a side effect
Of achieving perfection 
5, 10, 30 
Less is more
In losing I win 
Let me be nothing
Just let me be thin

Story 2

Being unworthy.
It's suffocating. You can tell yourself a thousand times a day that you're wrong and you deserve basic respect as a human.
You can play your lack of respect for yourself as a quirky sort of sexy secret.
You can pretend that you don't know all of the terrible reasons behind loving being choked during sex and why you're OK with clawing someone until they bleed.and why even in all your rage you want to submit.
But then someone comes along to make you feel vulnerable and it's the worst thing you've ever experienced because it hurts.
But not in a human way.
You are strong and cruel and cold and selfish. And so are they.
Don't give in babygirl. You aren't part of that world and you only bring disappointment and sadness and your own rage and fear.
You are not meant for good things yet. You aren't worthy.
You are a toy you are a demo.
You aren't worthy.

The story 1

Everything was nothing. And nothing meant everything. The slightest stimulation was overwhelming. A rusty heart can't possibly keep up with the beat of life.
Fear perforated everything but nothing mattered so neither did the fear. The fear was a heartbeat the only proof of life. So when that was gone and everything went silent scars appeared to prove somehow somewhere a heartbeat would be found. Breath was not an illusion.
Purgatory.

Facebook rant

After an asshole who didn't play PC or online called me a gamer girl and invalidated me with memes about rape.

If you know me personally you know I'm chill and reserved and I make a lot of jokes. And I'm sassy and idgaf supposedly.
I don't like putting all this effort into make up but I do, because it's what women do and I already don't relate to women enough. But I can't ACTUALLY like the things I like because I'm a woman. And all of my insecurity involving these are invalid because I'm probably on my period.
Women used to be committed to psychiatric hospitals for a made up condition called hysteria.
Wonder why.
I'm not a feminist I'm not an anything. I just think everyone needs to work on being less shitty like I have been

Instagram

I'm on Instagram as @charlieluckie.

Wow that's fucking awful for just being too lazy to download and post pics.
Social media is dumb and inconvenient

Dear past me (missing you)

I love you and I miss parts of you.
I miss:
   The way you used to laugh. Things were tough but you still knew how to laugh instead of forcing it.
   Everything was in your control. Besides the eating disorder. You had a plan for everything and the motivation to carry it out.
   You had dreams and created wonderful things like poetry and art and you still thought you could eventually sing on stage again. I miss those dreams.
   The way you loved. You'd been hurt but you always knew that through all the misery and self sacrifice one day you'd find someone to love you as hard as you loved. You hoped that one day they'd help you heal....
   Your tenacity. Working 70+ hours a week while still working out and keeping everything mostly together. Damn you were good at that.
   Your confidence you broke out of your fear and met people and did crazy things and leapt without a fear of falling.
   Your strength. No matter what happened you always got back up and came back with a better plan a way to fix it and you would.
   Your openness you used to tell people when you struggled and that was beautiful. To not only be able to pick people up but ask for help in return.

I hope one day I can be as strong and unbreakable as you once we're instead of this echo of all those wonderful things.
 

Bang bang

I visited my friend and his new house and he handed me his (unloaded he knows my mental health) gun.
I never wanted to really touch a gun until I got myself safer. I life in a house with multiple guns but everythings locked up.
The thing is now that I think about how it felt and all the business involved I think about how easy it'd be to get the safe codes and just drive out somewhere and stop existing.
I'm not going to but I have all these weird strict rules for a reason. The smallest thing sets off weird thinking I don't want to have to deal with.

Hello again love

Hello again dear diary. It's been a long time but I love reminiscing with you. It's a beautiful thing for someone who can't remember things to be able to look back and see who I was.
I can here for a reason but was entranced by your lullabies no matter how painful the lyrics were.
I've been with Chris for two years now. But I'm getting close to moving out. I've found the lien release to my bravada so I'll be able to drive for the first time in a year. I'm 23 working at wendys. I've stopped drinking and smoking so much.
I'm actually kind of happy which is weird. Sara is my future roomate and my babe and Rain is helping me remember how to laugh again and that I'm not just a pretty face but I'm funny and responsible. Greg is as always the best. I feel confident for the most part.

I'm worried about wrecking something really great. I'm uncomfortable with being so comfortable and I'm afraid of wrecking things or being wrecked. Mostly of being wrecked because I say something wrong and they hate me out of no where.