Dear internet #2

I'm alone again. Which isn't surprising. Rachel's a bitch and I got too comfortable with being happy. Only this time I had no idea I had fucked up. Defenses need to be tighter. Im fighting against so many invisible enemies that no one believes exist. I wish they could know, just once, that it takes more strength then they're capable of to continue smiling like I do. I think of him. I think of him and its like a panic attack without the panic. Just hours of my chest feeling like my heart was replaced with a black hole. I dont even give a shit anymore. I dont care. I've made it 20 years through abuse. Nothing can hurt me... I'm lying to mostly everyone about where I live. Mentioning vague and nameless coworkers and friends I've been "staying with"... I sleep in my Bravada and its so damn cold... And lonely. But I am as tenacious as a cockroach. Theres a wonderful future just waiting for me to finally catch hold.... I just wish I could've been held just a little longer by him...

I'm a fatass

I hate myself. If I knew how much I weighed I'd probably actually kill myself.... But he's sooooo worth it.

Anorexia helped me

1) I wasn't selfish enough to commit suicide. I was hoping I'd die of a heart attack. Of course I still took vitamins and stuff because I wanted it to be an accidental heart attack and even then I wasn't selfish enough to kill myself with starvation. I had to at least try to not die so I didn't feel guilt.


2) I felt invisible. I didn't think I deserved to exist and so I was trying to slowly disappear. I didn't want to exist anymore. Now I'm fighting that feeling. Trying to feel like im worth something


3) I hated myself. I still do a little bit but I have someone who's slowly teaching me how to be the wonderful person I am.


4) Control. I need control. I need to have everything in place and my plans all going the way I want to. But obviously life doesn't work that way and at least I could control what and when I ate (or didn't) I didn't know how to let go....


5) "The tiny girl" was my identity. Everyone wanted to pick me up and teased me about being so skinny I could hide behind anything. I got a lot of attention for it and as my anxiety and depression worsened I blamed it on puberty and getting "bigger"


6) Anxiety. I worried about EVERYTHING. Anything would send me into a panic and obsessing about calories and my weight and control kept all those fears out. For some reason breaking down at the scale because the water I drank made me "gain" .2 of a pound was better then trying to remind myself that I probably wasn't going to be hit by a crashing plane.


7) Depression. Same as the anxiety expect obsessing over numbers was better then constantly thinking about all the abuse in my life and remembering all the terrible things people have done to me.


8) I wanted to win at something. As long I was losing weight I was winning. The second I gained .1 pounds I was a fucking failure and piece of shit.


9) I'm a faker. I pretend I'm happy and fun and crazy but the truth is I don't like myself. I'm trying to but.... And I wanted to show people something. Maybe if I lost enough weight they'd see I wasn't happy.


10) it was my only way yo self injure for a while.
Next will probably be "Why I self mutilated

Recovery

I'm so big now... It's grotesque

Dear diary # whatever

I want to run away disappear into oblivion. Hold me, I need you. But don't hear me. I'm not worthy or your time. Or anyone else's. I'm the dirt he talks about. Trained to fuck and clean and say nothing

Fighting

Im lonely. Im lonely and its killing me. I cant stand this anymore. Help...