Fear

I cried at work today. My boyfriends car broke and I had to spend $200 to put insurance on mine so that we can get to work and back. I won't have money for rent and definitely not for the $350 electricity bill. I'm selling my underwear online. I do everything to save money and its never enough. I'm scared. Help.

Weekend cleaning

Being an adult isn't fun. I hate working and I hate being home. The only time I feel ok is when I'm actually spending time with him or sleeping. We dont spend much time together. I wish I had more. I wish I didn't feel like sometimes I'm doing this alone. Like I'm a maid or a mom. I hate feeling like I cant do the things I want because you disapprove when everything I do already is for you. I hate feeling like a disappointment when I'm trying my hardest. I hate these bitter feelings of while everyone does what they want and get to have ten times more fun then me I get shit for every little thing I do wrong. I hate feeling unappreciated and like just the biggest cunt because I get upset. I hate when you think its ok to hang out with two random girls in the middle of the night because I don't say anything. I hate saying something is ok even when it really isn't, when I'm actually very upset but I never say anything. I hate the way you think you're better then me. I hate feeling like a piece of shit. I hate feeling like I'm giving up parts of me because I cant stand when you're upset or sad. I hate feeling like I shouldn't say these things because you'll get upset.

I dont want to upset you.

I love you no matter what. I can handle all these things. The one thing I can't stand is you not being happy. I'd rather be miserable then not see you smile. I am your martyr. I can sacrifice myself for your happiness because when you're happy then I feel like living isn't that bad. Maybe I'm too giving, maybe I should be more selfish. Maybe I should stop tormenting myself with things that hurt. But I don't know any other way besides silence. Nothing is perfect except you. If I can hold your perfection for even five minutes a day then that's all I need. Misery is my companion it'll never let me go.

Sometimes you scare her away.

Apology

I say stupid shit when im upset. Sometimes its just aimless ramblings. Fear leads my life and sometimes my words flow without me thinking. I am two people. Pernicious, and me. The real me.

Don't look at me.

I like looking at cute little romantic pictures from the past that aren't mine. I like the way it makes me hurt.I like the harsh slap of reality to wake me yp from dreaming.To remind me that I'm not really all tha special and all those sweet words originally were for someone else.
  I'm a romantic. I want all that stupid cliche bullshit. I don't want echoes of a first love. I want my own memories untainted by the idea that this has all been done before, just with someone else. I don't want to be the runner up. The fall back from Eden crumbling. Pictures of goofy faces and a flase sense of being close. I don't feel like a girlfriend. It's more like a best friend with benefits you live with.
   That's ok too I guess.
   Romance is a dead ideal replaced with sex. Because we all know sex equals love.
  Growing up killed "romance". You get off work and try to not to anything so you can "destress" or there's shit that needs to be done like paying bills or cleaning. 
   I don't know you. You don't know me. It's playing at pretend. These feelings exist but without anything concrete to stand on it might as well be the childish "love". 
   I used to think I'm sad because I think too much. Maybe the problem is I don't think enough. This idea that if I ignore all the things that bother me that they can't hurt me anymore is failing. I knew it would.
  

  But pretending is so much easier.

  I'm bombarded with memories good, bad. No matter what I do I can't escape myself. I can't fight against these invading thoughts mocking me. I can't shut them up with cutting or medication. They will always be here the best I can do is ignore them or abuse myself. Which neither actually help. I want to lose weight I want to get rid of my "happy chub". I want to whittle me away slowly. I feel like there's too much. Like if I keep eating the way I do I'm going to get fat. My worst fears? Suffocation and getting fat. Confessions are hard. I have a problem. I hate food. I hate needing it to survive. I miss the days I could eat something small and be good. I feel like when I have food in my stomach I'm disgusting. I feel impure and I hate it.
  Worst of all is I know it's wrong and I'm fighting it but at the same time I just want to give up.