Six Billion Secrets

I cut myself because I've been abused for so long I dont know how else to be.

I'm scared to love because everytime I had love for anything or anyone things would fall apart.

I'm constantly waiting for the next time life fucks me over.

I hate the way I look. Not because I think I'm ugly but because sometimes that's all anyone can see.

I'm afraid to end up a statistic. Whether its becoming unmarried and pregnant, an addict or abuser.

I run away from good things in my life because they always end sooner or later.

I'm selfish.

I'm an asshole because I'm afraid people will realize how weak and sensitive I actually am.

I laugh away pain because I don't know any other way.

I pretend I dont care about anything truth is I probably care a lot more then you'd ever guess.

I feel like a whore because of all the people that have taken advantage of me sexually... I feel like I could've done more to stop them.

 I keep so many secrets because I'm scared if people knew they'd be scared of how fucked up my lifes been or they'll lose interest in me.

I'm afraid to gain weight because I've always been the "tiny girl" and that it'd make me less appealing.

I take so many pictures and keep so many things because I'm afraid of forgetting.

I'll never think I'm good enough because that's all I was told when I was little.

the only reason I stay alive is for the people who care about me otherwise I hate living.

I dont know who I am.

Fuck

I broke up with Adam today. Also in a lot of physical pain. I'm generally being stupid and moving way too fast and I dont know why. I hate myself more then ever. Fuck everything, seriously. Maybe I should just whore around. I dont have any real respect for myself, not anymore. Everything good eventually turns to shit. Hoping is worthless dreams are painful and "love" is bullshit. Sorry for this shitty post. I have nothing else besides shit I dont need a job that's worthless and a dwindling will for life. Take this meek offering of a peek into my life and know its better being you than me.

edit: Dear E (I assume that's what I'm to call you?) Bad things have happened sorry I've been stressed but I'll try to post some pics of my cat for you :)

why you shouldn't date me

1) I have an attachment disorder which means commitment issues and trouble showing affection
2) I like guys more as friends which isn't good if you're the jealous tyoe
3) also guys hit on me more then even if care for
4) I'm extremely independent. Also an introvert at heart
5) depression, anxiety, and bordeline personality disorder meaning there would be periods of time where I'd withdraw rather then lash out at you
6) I have too much pride I could be struggling and you'd never know
7) I'm stubborn :3
8) I'd rather ignore problems or feelings then confront them
9) sometimes I like to go out and do something, anything which isn't bad for house cats
10) I will try my best to convince you not to date me because I hate myself