An Attempt failed and fires were lit.

I do want to change but it's still a little hard too. 

My mom wants to help me get on disability. It's A LOT.

I keep trying to handle things but I obviously haven't been. 

I give up my pride. I keep hurting people by TRYING. But I just keep ending up homeless or in psych.

I know how they can see me when I'm actually there.

It's shameful for me but I do know they look at me with love.

I'm thankful.

(Thoughts from being fired from wally a couple weeks ago)

I forget

I forget me. I forget what I want. I forget what I love. I forget what I do. 

This may sound poetic but it is not. It's literal.

Schizoaffective Bipolar with Paranoia.

I forget about it. I wonder why I think my boyfriend wants to cheat or that everyone is angry at me so I don't talk to them. 

I forget that when I'm running around hyper,  excited and doing too much that it's not me being in a good place it's the hype before the drowning.

I forget a lot and it's scary but I try REALLY hard to pretend I didn't forget. 

I saw something about either schizophrenia or bipolar being degenerative the more it's left untreated.

How do I treat something that's actively destroying me?

I don't have the money for the psych and the drugs because I dont have the money for insurance.

I don't have the ability to take time off work to get used to meds fucking destroying my self will and brain to the point that if I'm sedated enough I'm "low risk"

My teeth are going to fall out soon. I can't fix that.

I haven't been able to keep a job for more than a few months since I was 24.

I'm a waste of resources.

OLD DRAFT! This is my note. (2015)

 3/6/25 Edit (I don't remember writing this so I'm typing as I'm reviewing)

Wow. Even I'm not sure what I'm saying here. This is embarrassing. Why am I writing like an over zealous preacher? No wonder I didn't post this.

SO MANY CAPS

I seriously feel like somebody else typed this. This is crazy person shit and I don't like it.

I've never been religious just spiritual. 

Why the fuck is this typed like a preacher?????

I can promise I've never written like this in my life it's cringe and weird and I'm not a 62 year old dude in 2015 or whatever.

I care not how weak or strong you are???? What the fuck does that mean???

The 2) Do not stand etc. I have no fucking clue. Is that bible stuff?? It seems like it spirals into personal shit and thats awks.

In conclusion: I don't know what I was saying then definitely listening to voice/vibes/rachel This sounds like a creepy cult preacher and it freaks me out that I typed it. I know all my crazy shit. This is NOT one of them.

The Post:

  First of all I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ALL OF YOU. I don't give a FLYING FUCK if I know you or not... Because I love you... I love everyone and I think that is my problem... I feel too much I hurt too much and I care too much to let others know of my pain... I want to die. I have wanted to die since I have known what the peace of death it shall bring.... hell shall be a burden lifted.... But for the past 8+ {dated 04:04:15 <if you do not wait until 2024} you have shamed me because thats how long I have suffered. Also if you just now find this you NEED WAIT 7 years otherwise I will never consider you a moung  my equeal)


This is my suicide note. But it is not a thing written of desperation.
It is not something written of hate or revenge.
It is written of hope. I have tried my best. I should have met my end at the age of six and yet at 22 I still stand fighting. Why?

1) Men do not end your life
WOMEN do not end your life
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT LIVES YOUR LIFE. I CARE NOT HOW WEAK OR STRONG YOU ARE.  I was an anorexic 95 fucking lb little girl when I took my fate AND I PROVED THAT I STILL YET HAD STRENGTH
2) Do not stand for any man that shall give you strength. You need also respect, not only in that he will help you with things you can not handle yourself but also things that you would believe you shall have respect in (a former "perfect boyfriend" assume that I be jealous because I was not comfortable with his images of naked women and claims that "he would fuck her" if had the chance I DO NOT CARE HOW MUCH MONEY OR CUDDLES HE GIVES IF YOU DO NOT FEEL RESPECTED THEN YOU ARE NOT.
3) HE WILL RESPECT YOU AS YOU DO HIM... IF HE DO NOT HAVE YOU LUST AFTER UNEARTHLY FORM THEN SO DO YOU AND VICE VERSE..."
no woman has tits and stomach as such as I do know no man has cock and stomuch as such. DO NOT LEAD YOUR PARTNER TO INSECURITY...
4) WOMEN do not bring shame to our sex. Love him for him and not his wealth or physique. If you shall fall to this fate then I hope you burn in hell for such selfishness...

Bsides that I have not died without fighting. The have been many causes that have kept me alive for the many fucking years that I wished to seek end...

January 15th 2015

 Watching an episode of futurama I felt a little weird. Bender had a bunch of kids he was making money off of.

I know that's a problem. But seeing the children be put up for some kind of audition reminds me of how my parents said when they and my older sister looked through pictures of adoptees they both picked my group of siblings.

I don't know, that felt weird. I'm glad we were picked but it makes me wonder. How easy would it be to adopt us to a bad family.

Nobody wanted us. Too many kids and my adoptive family is a different nationality.

It took them two years.

vc

Working again/I'm tired (3/6/25)

Getting back to work has been BRUTAL on my bedrot since last march body. (Started in February)

Cramping, swelling, throwing up a LOT from anxiety.

Today while exhausted, cramping, limping and sore af I spent an hour cooking a really yummy dinner/breakfast.

In my tired state and lack of room after giving beebs his breakfast I went to eat mine and it flipped off the desk and onto the ground. 

I was SO EXCITED for it and it was gone after all my hard work. I definitely cried.

But instead of spiraling I cleaned it up. 

I don't feel good about it but I didn't let myself be overcome so that's good maybe?

It doesn't feel like a victory because I'm still hungry but I'm too tired to do it again. 

I guess what I'm saying is things go wrong and it sucks. I hate when people try to force you to "look on the brightside" or "celebrate small victories" like you're a child. I get the sentiment but sometimes people just want to hear "That fucking sucks I'm sorry."

After I dropped it I thought immediately "Well that's less calories so I won't get fatter" aka not a brightside just a continuation of my eating disordered thoughts.

Also me cleaning it up while crying was not a "small victory" but me being considerate to my partner. I didn't win by losing. Not everything has a good side. And everyone's concept of these things are so conceptual that spouting off a vague idea or hallmark phrase feels disingenuous at best.

I've been called cold before in my reactions to certain events like my parents dogs Pearl and Gracie being put down. But I really loved those dogs. They were good and sweet. I loved giving them treats and sometimes I'd lay on the floor and cuddle with them. 

The family dynamic was very complicated at the time.