Instagram

I'm on Instagram as @charlieluckie.

Wow that's fucking awful for just being too lazy to download and post pics.
Social media is dumb and inconvenient

Dear past me (missing you)

I love you and I miss parts of you.
I miss:
   The way you used to laugh. Things were tough but you still knew how to laugh instead of forcing it.
   Everything was in your control. Besides the eating disorder. You had a plan for everything and the motivation to carry it out.
   You had dreams and created wonderful things like poetry and art and you still thought you could eventually sing on stage again. I miss those dreams.
   The way you loved. You'd been hurt but you always knew that through all the misery and self sacrifice one day you'd find someone to love you as hard as you loved. You hoped that one day they'd help you heal....
   Your tenacity. Working 70+ hours a week while still working out and keeping everything mostly together. Damn you were good at that.
   Your confidence you broke out of your fear and met people and did crazy things and leapt without a fear of falling.
   Your strength. No matter what happened you always got back up and came back with a better plan a way to fix it and you would.
   Your openness you used to tell people when you struggled and that was beautiful. To not only be able to pick people up but ask for help in return.

I hope one day I can be as strong and unbreakable as you once we're instead of this echo of all those wonderful things.
 

Bang bang

I visited my friend and his new house and he handed me his (unloaded he knows my mental health) gun.
I never wanted to really touch a gun until I got myself safer. I life in a house with multiple guns but everythings locked up.
The thing is now that I think about how it felt and all the business involved I think about how easy it'd be to get the safe codes and just drive out somewhere and stop existing.
I'm not going to but I have all these weird strict rules for a reason. The smallest thing sets off weird thinking I don't want to have to deal with.

Hello again love

Hello again dear diary. It's been a long time but I love reminiscing with you. It's a beautiful thing for someone who can't remember things to be able to look back and see who I was.
I can here for a reason but was entranced by your lullabies no matter how painful the lyrics were.
I've been with Chris for two years now. But I'm getting close to moving out. I've found the lien release to my bravada so I'll be able to drive for the first time in a year. I'm 23 working at wendys. I've stopped drinking and smoking so much.
I'm actually kind of happy which is weird. Sara is my future roomate and my babe and Rain is helping me remember how to laugh again and that I'm not just a pretty face but I'm funny and responsible. Greg is as always the best. I feel confident for the most part.

I'm worried about wrecking something really great. I'm uncomfortable with being so comfortable and I'm afraid of wrecking things or being wrecked. Mostly of being wrecked because I say something wrong and they hate me out of no where.