New beginnings

I always think "if this happens then I'll be fine/happy" I still want to kill myself and I still won't...

Alien

I met someone new... Someone wonderful. Someone who reminds me of me before I became what I am. He makes me laugh. Not like the others but in a way that its exactly what I would have said. We have our differences. But we have more alike than anyone I have ever known. Is he lying? He can't be right? Maybe he is... Maybe im falling into the same trap I always have. Our first "date" which I dont and do want to call a date I went back to his place. He offered pajamas and I changed in another room. He didn't touch me. And then when I asked he drove me home... All we did all night was hold hands... But could he be playing me? I've known those who love girls who are hard to get I know how to manipulate them but I REALLY FUCKING HOPE he isn't one of them. If he is. Hes a damn good player to get the cynical cold bitch I am... I haven't given it all... We'll see... Please be real...

Another day

Today was normal... Got drunk watched Netflix. Cuddled a cat and contemplated suicide. Whatever.

I love you

I promise. Had I not been so weak of heart I would have told you. Had I not been so selfish I would have begged forgiveness. Had I not been so fearful I would have given you the same honesty I had for you when we were paired.
Had I known you would have torn yourself from me so cruelly I would have parted sooner.
Had I known I would hurt you so dearly I would have spared you the grief...
If I could take any harm I have caused you on to myself I would bear it with the happiness knowing that you had not witnessed my monstrosity...
I would take your burdens and gladly carry them away from you...
Poems will be written in your honor and yet I hope you shall never see them. My shame is enough to hold for centuries and for you to know how my affections burn on after with wither my intentions.
Do not look at me, I am not worthy

I long for your arms
I want only you.
Need is no longer my reason. I do not need you
But I want you with all that is within me. I want your touch and your voice. I want to wake with your face beside me.
I wish that you deprive me off all things.

But I ask only for you...