If you're going to date me...

I got sick of blonde

Most Recent

First dear "readers" It's been a while since I've updated my hair... Sooo.... Here's my attempt at Ariel hair. Originallly it was more haley williams and then too vampy but now it's a nice in between...

I'm shit at formatting D: maybe my new 

boyrfriend could teach me <3.... Ok....... Wow this looked like a serious mess before trust me <3. I know I've said it a thousand times but you can say it a billion times and you still can't cancel out the sort of worthlessness and shame everyone has beat into me. If I could go back and kill every mother fucker that ever seriously hurt me without consequences I would...

                          Except then I wouldn't have met you...

Food

I dont know if I can keep eating. I've been trying to eat a meal a day but.... I just... Its probably just bloating and food weight but I feel like im getting so fat. Im probably back up to 110 even though that's still underweight its so fat to me. Im trying so hard but I dont know if I can stand it.

Shit men say

Specifically one thing. When I bring up being insecure about porn they shit like "But I can't touch porn." But im sure you fucking would if you could. Stupidest argument in the world I'm so glad to know I'm better then porn simply because I'm more fucking available. I don't think or look at other dudes exfuckingscuse me for wishing you didn't have those inclinations too. And that whole "its instinct. Its natural." That's a fucking bullshit excuse. Control yourself you fucking child. Its instinct for me to want babies but im not running around getting knocked up. Just because your instincts dont cause immediate harm doesn't mean it still cant hurt me staring at all these "sexy hot" "real" women with actual tits and sex appeal. I'm tired of being the super chill cool girl all the time but I'm not going to be that insecure dumb naiive bitch. I'm not dating because love is selfish and I want nothing to do with it anymore. I'd rather die alone.

Neat things I've 'Stumbled Upon'

Music tools:
http://seaquence.org/
http://tonematrix.audiotool.com/  (simpler)

Games:
www.phoboslab.org/ztype/   Typing
flashflashrevolution.com     Rhythm game/ "DDR on the internet"

awesomeshityoucanbuy.com

http://meowmania.jqln.org/

Dear internet

Again it's been a while. It'd help if someone actually replied. I'm doing.... fine I suppose. I'm still alive by some miracle. By miracle I mean just pure stubbornness. 

I'm a party girl now. I go to parties and I have fun and dance and occasionally indulge in other recreational activities...

I'm single again...

Every time it's like they're the best thing in the entire world and every time I'm just.... Let down. Which is ok I guess. The last one hit me hard enough to leave a mark but I still think it's my fault. Which it is. I'm kind of a shitty person. I'd rather be hurt physically then emotionally. Is that sick? But really even if it hadn't happened I would've just hurt myself, shhhhhhh... As always it could have been worse. Always keep swimming my darlings.

I know, I know abuse is never the "victims" fault but really can you blame me? 21 years of it I mean I've got to be doing *something* wrong. Maybe it's because I don't love myself enough. Honestly I don't love myself at all. It's hard but I deal with it.

I can handle anything.

Haha or that's what I tell everyone. This is a really depressing post and I'm sorry. If I'm going to have a blog I might as well have one place I don't fake it. Usually that's MPA. They understand me there and it's wonderful. I know that I shouldn't be going on there but it wouldn't stop me from doing what I do anyway. My friends don't know me. I got tired of opening up and watching them fall apart or just dissolve into silence because they're not equipped to deal with my problems. This blog originally started because I was lonely when I was 19 and even though I'm surrounded by people who love me that still hasn't changed. That's pretty selfish of me huh? Selfish and whiny and I can't let them know.

There's one person who knows... And I fucking hate them. I hate them seeing who I am and not immediately regretting knowing me. What are they playing at? I get that I have trust issues but there's a good fucking reason for it. I'm waiting for them to show their true colors. To rip away the mask and reveal the douche hidden inside.

But either they're really good at faking for the long haul or they're actually sincere. And the sincerity is what would scare me most of all. I'm unlovable...