Wow. Such interesting.

#1 My first boyfriend was in middle school we "dated" for two years which mainly meant we held hands and hung out in school. We talked on the phone a lot. He started talking about sex in eighth grade. I was too young and wasn't at all interested. He liked kissing. I didn't really. He tried phone sex once which was terrible awkward and uncomfortable for me. I didn't participate and made an excuse to get off the phone right away. We made it to high school and he started talking about marriage. That was when I realized that I didn't actually love him. I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do with the whole dating thing and I told him it was over. Just like that. 2years I was single for a while and depressed. I had fallen out of my ugly duckling phase and realized that guys were attracted to me and I took advantage of that. I didn't lead them all but if they wanted to buy me movies and gifts I didn't say no, just that I wasn't interested in dating. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, convince me that I was worth paying attention to. #2 was on accident I made a joke about him going to a dance with me and then I guess that meant we were dating. I thought he was sweet and cute and he had black hair which I was interested in at the time. We dated for three years on and off amidst rumors of him cheating and a confession that he'd had. We grew up and he became less sweet. More selfish. More interested in other girls. But I clung on being depressed and insecure thinking being with him defined me somehow. My junior year we lost our virginities together. It was one of my biggest mistakes. It wasn't in love. It was to try and get him to stay and not wanting to lose it to someone who wasn't a virgin and I thought this would be my last chance. He said he loved me. He would talk about "one day when we're married" and "you'd look beautiful pregnant, when we're ready" and I thought that was what love was. He broke up with me on new years eve. 3years #3 was... Abusive. I still feel bad. 2 years #4 Wonderfully imperfect :) Ongoing