You dont have to tell me you missed me cause I know you'd be lying.
Update:
I'm "In between homes"
Back on pills
Now working in a group home
The kind of girl that gets invited to parties (waaaaaat??)
Made a new friend who's pretty cool beans.
Remade a friend who's cool beans.
Not much else to say
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Say Uncle
If I could talk to you id tell you how I barely remember you. In my mind your face is a blur, and I hate you with everything in me. I would tell you how desperately I cling to the three memories of the sister you killed. How every day I wonder how beautiful she would be now. I would tell you how much I hate myself. How I cut, burned, bruised and starved myself for the past 14 years because I think I deserve it. I would tell you how I still cant look people in the eyes and how it hurts to be touched. I would tell you every bad thing I've let happen since because I wasn't worthy of anything better. I would blindly scream at you. I would tell you how often I've wanted to hit you give you the same fucking welts and watch you cry how I've wanted to do it over and over until you accepted that life was meant to be lived in pain and the only thing you could do was just force a laugh. And then I would cry. And I would hate you even more for seeing me cry again. And I would remind you that I don't remember. All I remember is fear and hatred.
I hate you so fucking much and I dont remember why.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
The Diary
I think the worst part is not being able to say "I wish it could be like back when _____" because there was never really a point in my life where I wasn't being destroyed by myself or someone else.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Famous Last Words - The Show Must Go On (Official Music Video)
UGH! *drools over the vocals* wonderful.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
HOLY JESUS WAT
This freaked me out a bit. It's one of those "psychology tests" I stumbled upon. Link at the bottom.
The impression of you that I get is that you are a sensitive person but are often wary of expressing your true thoughts and emotions. I feel that you have been hurt in the past and this may be the reason for your caution – however, once you allow people to become a part of your life, i.e. by confiding in them or accepting their help or advice, you find it easier to develop a sense of trust and affinity.
There is something from your childhood which you are especially sensitive about – I'm not sure exactly what this is but I do know that it would take a very special person for you to confide this secret to. If this issue hasn't yet been resolved then you may feel a little ashamed of whatever this was but one message that comes through to me is that it was not your fault.
You have always tried your best in most of the things that you've done. You realize that you could have done better at times with certain projects but your interest simply wasn't there. You find it easy to concentrate on things that really interest you, but if someone tries to make you study a subject or project that you don't want to learn about then you tend to 'phase out'.
There was an artistic or musical interest that you had when you were younger that you could have developed but didn't. It may be that there were too many other things going on in your life at the time – or that it simply wasn't the right time for you – I feel that you will probably go back to that interest at some time in the future and excel at it.
You lost someone very special in your past and this left you with a sense of loneliness or abandonment. You still miss this person but I figure you are now coming to terms with that loss. In a way it made you appreciate loved ones more; however you don't always show your true feelings.
You find the opposite sex intriguing. Sometimes you hate them, sometimes you love them. Your emotions seem to swing from high to low and back again.
You would like to be the centre of attention at times – however most of the time you are happy to watch and observe. You don't like making a fool of yourself and you certainly wouldn't enjoy seeing your best friend or someone you really care about making a fool of themselves.
You have an overwhelming protective instinct. If someone you love annoys you then you will tell them so. If an outsider insults them then you instinctively jump to their defensive. It's as though 'It's alright for you to say that, but not for them to'.
You have certain colours that you like and will wear them depending on your mood. You are also sensitive to smell – you have favourite aromas – and some memories that are associated to them – e.g. bonfire night or your mother's favourite perfume or shampoo – or perhaps a favourite dish – roast beef – curry – chicken or steak or perhaps even a tomato based recipe.
You are idealistic about the person you would like to eventually settle down with (if indeed you have not already met that person). You really want your relationship to work out and will do your utmost to make things work. However if your partnership is wrong then you have no hesitation in not making this effort.
You want to be happy in life. You hate hurting people and if this inadvertently does happen then you feel that hurt yourself. You are happy with your morals but would love to improve yourself in some way.
At the moment you are in some sort of quandary about the direction your life is taking you and there are decisions to be made. Making decisions is not always easy for you – you like to weigh up the options in your mind and find yourself swayed by outside distractions. In this area you should always trust your instinct.
Life is not always easy for you – often you meet obstacles just as you think you are reaching your goal. These setbacks can make you feel unsettled or even depressed at times but you have a knack of being able to bounce back.
When you look back on your life at some of the difficult times you realize that they seemed a lot worse at the time than they actually were. You are a survivor and are guided by hope and optimism.
Money can be an issue for you and you should learn to manage it more effectively. Although you have to rely on outside sources at times you would prefer to be totally independent in this area. (Only thing off)
Some time ago there was a disastrous relationship that knocked your confidence somewhat. Although you are over that now, there are still times when you feel vulnerable and insecure. You want to be loved for who you are, not how others want you to be and you generally try to please most of the time – however under extreme provocation you find it impossible to bottle up your feelings and minor explosions can occur.
You enjoy travelling but something seems to be holding you back from being able to visit all the places you'd like to go. This could be money or other commitments or simply something within yourself that you have not yet acknowledged.
Children, or one in particular, will play an important part of your life and you will derive a great deal of pleasure from helping him or her. You will also find yourself re-thinking a lot of your original ideas as your experience and maturity grow.
Most treasured possession: Cat
Favourite number: 314
Most influential role model: Mom
The impression of you that I get is that you are a sensitive person but are often wary of expressing your true thoughts and emotions. I feel that you have been hurt in the past and this may be the reason for your caution – however, once you allow people to become a part of your life, i.e. by confiding in them or accepting their help or advice, you find it easier to develop a sense of trust and affinity.
There is something from your childhood which you are especially sensitive about – I'm not sure exactly what this is but I do know that it would take a very special person for you to confide this secret to. If this issue hasn't yet been resolved then you may feel a little ashamed of whatever this was but one message that comes through to me is that it was not your fault.
You have always tried your best in most of the things that you've done. You realize that you could have done better at times with certain projects but your interest simply wasn't there. You find it easy to concentrate on things that really interest you, but if someone tries to make you study a subject or project that you don't want to learn about then you tend to 'phase out'.
There was an artistic or musical interest that you had when you were younger that you could have developed but didn't. It may be that there were too many other things going on in your life at the time – or that it simply wasn't the right time for you – I feel that you will probably go back to that interest at some time in the future and excel at it.
You lost someone very special in your past and this left you with a sense of loneliness or abandonment. You still miss this person but I figure you are now coming to terms with that loss. In a way it made you appreciate loved ones more; however you don't always show your true feelings.
You find the opposite sex intriguing. Sometimes you hate them, sometimes you love them. Your emotions seem to swing from high to low and back again.
You would like to be the centre of attention at times – however most of the time you are happy to watch and observe. You don't like making a fool of yourself and you certainly wouldn't enjoy seeing your best friend or someone you really care about making a fool of themselves.
You have an overwhelming protective instinct. If someone you love annoys you then you will tell them so. If an outsider insults them then you instinctively jump to their defensive. It's as though 'It's alright for you to say that, but not for them to'.
You have certain colours that you like and will wear them depending on your mood. You are also sensitive to smell – you have favourite aromas – and some memories that are associated to them – e.g. bonfire night or your mother's favourite perfume or shampoo – or perhaps a favourite dish – roast beef – curry – chicken or steak or perhaps even a tomato based recipe.
You are idealistic about the person you would like to eventually settle down with (if indeed you have not already met that person). You really want your relationship to work out and will do your utmost to make things work. However if your partnership is wrong then you have no hesitation in not making this effort.
You want to be happy in life. You hate hurting people and if this inadvertently does happen then you feel that hurt yourself. You are happy with your morals but would love to improve yourself in some way.
At the moment you are in some sort of quandary about the direction your life is taking you and there are decisions to be made. Making decisions is not always easy for you – you like to weigh up the options in your mind and find yourself swayed by outside distractions. In this area you should always trust your instinct.
Life is not always easy for you – often you meet obstacles just as you think you are reaching your goal. These setbacks can make you feel unsettled or even depressed at times but you have a knack of being able to bounce back.
When you look back on your life at some of the difficult times you realize that they seemed a lot worse at the time than they actually were. You are a survivor and are guided by hope and optimism.
Money can be an issue for you and you should learn to manage it more effectively. Although you have to rely on outside sources at times you would prefer to be totally independent in this area. (Only thing off)
You dislike chaos and would be happier in a well organized environment but it seems that there is never enough time to carry out your well meaning intentions.
Some time ago there was a disastrous relationship that knocked your confidence somewhat. Although you are over that now, there are still times when you feel vulnerable and insecure. You want to be loved for who you are, not how others want you to be and you generally try to please most of the time – however under extreme provocation you find it impossible to bottle up your feelings and minor explosions can occur.
In order to overcome this tendency you should learn to communicate more freely in the early stages of an impending crisis.
You enjoy travelling but something seems to be holding you back from being able to visit all the places you'd like to go. This could be money or other commitments or simply something within yourself that you have not yet acknowledged.
Children, or one in particular, will play an important part of your life and you will derive a great deal of pleasure from helping him or her. You will also find yourself re-thinking a lot of your original ideas as your experience and maturity grow.
www.psychologistworld.com/cognitive/psychology_reading_test.php/
On another note I started anti-depressants again today for the first time in 3 years. Hope it works out.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Cat picture time!
Take a wild guess at what this will be about. I'm posting this on my phone so excuse any shittiness. Also these are all my own personal photos. Maybe if I generate enough request I'll do a full and thorough search of the funniest/cutest cat pics/gifs I can find.
There's also a picture of my peacock hair in there.If anyone would like to see a full fucking album or list of my hair colors just let me know. You knooow guys if I had more comments/suggestions etc I'm more likely to post and interact then most internet humans. I have no life and "socializing" is much nicer then playing DS all night :3
Wow. Such interesting.
#1 My first boyfriend was in middle school we "dated" for two years which mainly meant we held hands and hung out in school. We talked on the phone a lot. He started talking about sex in eighth grade. I was too young and wasn't at all interested. He liked kissing. I didn't really. He tried phone sex once which was terrible awkward and uncomfortable for me. I didn't participate and made an excuse to get off the phone right away. We made it to high school and he started talking about marriage. That was when I realized that I didn't actually love him. I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do with the whole dating thing and I told him it was over. Just like that.
2years
I was single for a while and depressed. I had fallen out of my ugly duckling phase and realized that guys were attracted to me and I took advantage of that. I didn't lead them all but if they wanted to buy me movies and gifts I didn't say no, just that I wasn't interested in dating. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, convince me that I was worth paying attention to.
#2 was on accident I made a joke about him going to a dance with me and then I guess that meant we were dating. I thought he was sweet and cute and he had black hair which I was interested in at the time. We dated for three years on and off amidst rumors of him cheating and a confession that he'd had. We grew up and he became less sweet. More selfish. More interested in other girls. But I clung on being depressed and insecure thinking being with him defined me somehow. My junior year we lost our virginities together. It was one of my biggest mistakes. It wasn't in love. It was to try and get him to stay and not wanting to lose it to someone who wasn't a virgin and I thought this would be my last chance. He said he loved me. He would talk about "one day when we're married" and "you'd look beautiful pregnant, when we're ready" and I thought that was what love was. He broke up with me on new years eve.
3years
#3 was... Abusive. I still feel bad.
2 years
#4 Wonderfully imperfect :)
Ongoing
Friday, February 7, 2014
It's been a really long time
God I'm such a terrible blogger. Even though I thought I would have completely forgotten this by now. Sorry for anyone that has actually been reading this. I've had lots of ups and downs. For right now I have a job that's only two days a week and my laptop is actually working so maybe I'll try to post more often.
How are things with you?
Are you still there?
How are things with you?
Are you still there?
The last argument you had
(skip to 3:13 shit stacks didn't work)
About five seconds ago Ryan started playing Spyro enter the Dragonfly
Ryan: "Bitch just steps on his hand all stealthy."
Me: "That was his tail."
"It was his hand."
"NO. His TAIL"
"HIS HAND."
"HIS TAIL!!"
"HIS HAND!!!!"
''SHUT UP!"
"YOU SHUT UP!!"
Anyone else still have arguments like five year olds?
BTW I'M FUCKING RIGHT! FUCK YEAH IN YOUR FACE!
''SHUT UP!"
"YOU SHUT UP!!"
Anyone else still have arguments like five year olds?
BTW I'M FUCKING RIGHT! FUCK YEAH IN YOUR FACE!
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