Acension

Sometimes he leaves me lonely. Sometimes he says he'll help with something and doesn't. He spends too much time on the internet and doesn't know how to help clean without being asked. He doesn't listen to me sometimes and he interrupts me what feels like ALL THE TIME. He fucks up often.
    But when he smiles my heart beats a little faster and I have to smile too. His laugh gives me butterflies. Just looking at him does too. I think he's gorgeous. For the past seven years I've constantly been depressed and anxious only learning to tolerate it or numb all my emotions with pills. Also a gratuitous amount of self mutilation. Now when im upset I crave his arms around me instead of a blade. I want his comforting voice and not self destruction. No matter how angry I am as soon as he gets upset everything inside me goes soft and im able to realize im not angry at him, im angry because im sad. I realize I've never been angry at him.
   When he holds me, no matter how im feeling or not feeling, its warm and soft and safe. And while he's holding me it hurts less. The relief from constant emotional agony is heavenly.  Its only been a little over seven months and he's made me a better person and healed so much pain I've been holding onto some from when I was a child. He doesn't think very highly of himself. And even with all of his miniscule flaws I worship him. "I embrace your defects to admit you were my every wish."
   He gave me the courage to believe in my dreams no matter how unrealistic they are he encourages it. He makes me feel like I can do anything and everything. He lets me be free. He trusts me. I trust him more then I ever thought I could trust anyone. Words can not describe this feeling. Its like being buried in a hole my whole life and he helped me find the sunshine.
   The best part? I dont depend on him. He doesn't depend on me. We support each other. We respect each other. If we upset each other its always on accident and never on purpose and there's always an "im sorry" and comforting on the other side.  When I upset him I get sad and vice versa.
   I love this man. And he loves me.
   My Afterman. I will wait for you always. If you go on a dangerous adventure let me go too. If you disappear I will search for you. If you dont know how to show love I will learn with you. If you need to find yourself I will wait, patiently.
   I will never leave. I will never let go. I am yours.

What is love?

I let him hurt me. I let him hit me and I was absolutely sure it was my fault. I lived in a world of screaming. Him screaming at me, sometimes id scream back. Mostly I was silent.
  I lived in a world of fear, a world of isolation. If I said "Hi" too friendly I might be fucking him. If I said "Hi" at all I was a whore.
  We were "in love". At least that's what I told myself. He was so sweet and so kind when he wasn't ripping me down. Looking back its hard to understand how I forgot the bad things so easily. How I just forgive the fists pounding next to my face. The pinning me down so I couldn't leave. How did I so easily forget those words that hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before.
   I was just out of hugh school, stupid, female and he gave me attention.
   Oh yes we were in love, I wore a diamond ring and any money he got he immediately spent on me. Love was sleeping in the same bed. Love was crying after you hit her or pushed her or scared her until she was a tear filled mess on the floor. Love was apology after apology after "you're my world I'd die without you". Love taught me to stay silent. Because if I told my friends a little about the fights, they'd be angry at him. And then he'd be angry at you because "you wanted them to hate him. You dont really love him".
   Love needed you to prove your love over and over. Love found attention somewhere else. Love thought you were a whore and love, never really loved you now did he?

Conclusion

   There's no such thing as "true love" there's no "one and only" no "soulmate". If there were, love wouldn't be so recycled. You'd find the person and you'd just know. You think you Love someone. You obsess and float on light fluffy clouds. Then days, months, years later you realize it wasn't Love. It was lust or loneliness naivety or stupidity that convinced you it was.  I never floated on clouds before. It just made me less sad. love doesn't fix problems. love can't make promises. And love hates to stick around. Love is more pain then pleasure. Love is selfish. I thought Love would fill something in me, but more often than not Love stole from me things I wasn't yet willing to give. But I thought I had to because I was told that's what Love is.
   Love is not sex. Love is not money. Love is not pure.
   When I was little I was promised there'd be someone who loved me and only me. That one day we'd look at each other and just know and live happily ever after. I guess I got sick of waiting. I realized that I will never get the one person that only loves me because everyone has already "been in love".
   I don't think I was ever "in Love" before. How can you really know? I don't think it's really Love if it ends. Then it's just love. Borderline useless. Faltering, false. Love is about change. Love makes you change and Love has changed me. I am new I am unwavering, I am no longer selfish in my quest for love.
   I know what Love is now. But does he?