Mer

Most people would think loving someone was easy whether platonic or romantically. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do for me. And I don't mean having the feeling I mean the action of showing love. I mostly grew up in foster care. I was in it for most of my childhood up until I was 11 and moved into my adoptive family's home.

   It is so deep-rooted into me that eventually everyone will leave me that I sabotage the relationships that mean the most to me. I don't always realize I'm doing it until it's too late or I can't stop it.

   I hate myself.

   It's like my self conscious is a raging masochist and if I'm too happy for too long I need to fuck something up. When I did something self-destructive everything would get fuzzy around the edges and my mind would just blank out. I do things on impulse not caring about consequences, how it would affect me or anyone around me. I would always hope one day someone would look at me and say "Somethings not right with you" and yet be terrified if they did. I wanted to have the freedom to destroy myself but someone to comfort me when I cried. Yet at the same time comfort pissed me off and made me that much more ashamed. I wanted o disappear but not die. I wanted love but not too much.

   I am two people fighting for control.

Stressed

Got the job at Walmart full-time overnight cashier. Started work this Monday 8-5pm for setting up the store as they just built it in my town. Sore as fuck. Feels like the boyfriend complains about me all the time when he's not being sweet emotional and got my period for the first time in 4 years because of Depo two times in a row =.= Worried about getting a Christmas present for Adam worried about his bank account being -$90 don't have cigarettes for tomorrow don't get paid for 8 days. Only have one pair of khakis to wear to work until I get paid. Owe people money. Adam's car repair still hasn't been paid off and he's already talking about the next thing he needs money to get fixed my friends in foster care and turning 18 in January and I told her I'd help her find a place to live/can live with us when we get our own place. Need to do my drivers test but it's snowed and I have no idea how to park. MY car is snowed in which doesn't matter except the windows don't seal. I don't want my lip piercing to close up but i can't even wear a clear plastic thing at work. EVERYTHING HURTS. Christmas is coming up and my aunt is wanting to invite me to things but every time I try to talk to my mom on facebook she goes offline (is she avoiding me?) All I want to do when I get home is sleep or just zone out and not have to think or do anything. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm constantly worried that somehow I'm going to lose this job that I REALLY need. I'm already trying to figure out how to portion out my first check while also trying to figure out what I might need with my second check. I'm worried about things that won't become relevant until spring and it's only just started snowing. I've been wanting to cut again and dealing with depression and anxiety and guilt and fear and anger and happiness and tiredness all mixed up. Fuck all of this shit.

Anxiety ftw.

For the love of God!

Is anybody even reading these?? Or is it just a bot trying to convince me that I'm not just ranting and typing meaningless bullshit into the abyss of the internet. Is it so hard for ONE person to leave a tiny little comment or do I just suck that bad? Yeah I know I knew from the begining hardly anyone's going to give a shit but NO ONE. What happened to the internet being one big community? I am one of the biggest lurkers there are but there is NO indecation ANYWHERE that I even do in fact exist. Maybe I'll just start getting paranoid that there's some organization out there trying to have me convinced I don't actually exist.

   I even posted my opinions on things that SOMEONE should have bitched me out for by this point in time.

Here: Hai guiz im hear to talk about how much i looove justin beiber he's lyke the best musicion ever and you should all love him as much as i love cox. there awesome,

Nothing?

Fine.

That's was painful and I hope you're satisfied that you drove me to such horrific measures. Good day to you.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

Youtube

You should know if you have paid any attention to any of my last posts that I make shitty youtube videos that are really nothing more then shitty small town kid/s (Well all over 18) fucking around and showing you how lame our town is... Well I'm more of a lurker my recent favorite has been Cry (ChaoticMonki) 

   I cheated on you dear blog. I have a theory that as long as I message people too busy to pay attention to everything you say you can basically make confessions without them noticing i.e. an online therapist. It started out innocently enough, then it got bipolar. I figure ahhh the hell why not post it here?

  " I don't know you really and you'll probably never know me. The odds of you even registering let alone reading and/or replying to this is close to none. I'm a realistic gal. As much as I'd love to gush about how you brighten my days amuse me to no end I think instead I'll post this...   "Crowscare was an amoeba and not in the good single-celled-organism way. He was an amoeba in the shapeless way. Valerie was gone and he was worthless jelly. And not a tasty jelly, an awkward tasteless jelly… A jelly full of unwanted stick in your teeth seeds. Needless to say he needed something to occupy his time. " It's a story I've been attempting to write for a while now however I'm having trouble trying to get from where I am to another character (Turnip) meeting a waiter who just so happens to be the anti-christ. 

   If by chance you are still reading this I apologize but I'm going to pretend you and I are friends and ramble . The whole "you never show your f*ce" thing (I found somewhere you do not like that word) I think is pretty brilliant. Although being persistent in that area for me has turned out pretty interesting in the past (a dude who ALMOST got away with convincing me he was a chick) I find if people DON'T know what I look like then I can weed out the assholes. And I quite enjoy role playing as a fourty year old man.  

   I've been having trouble with my depression. I guess this is why I'm messaging you. I suppose I could always type in my "blog" (that's a laugh) but this is more personal. I don't like people knowing I'm weak. People just think I'm some awesome badass that's better then them and I HATE that with a burning passion. I can't say that shit without sounding conceited and I'm completely the opposite of that. I have considered on multiple occasions doing something to damage my face. But even that seems conceited. If I somehow send this by accident I truly am sorry. 

   If people could only see this side of me. The loser who types imaginary messages to some random fucking stranger in order to rant about her bullshit. Because she's too scared to talk to actual people. I don't know how to love. I don't know how I feel most of the time and there's a whole shitty story behind that. One that no matter how many times I blow it off still hurts just as much as when I was younger. I keep thinking the more I turn it into a joke the less it'll matter. Just like the longer I ignore an issue or feeling it will eventually disappear. 

    You might want to add me to your "send directly to the trash folder" 

                          xCharlotte

P.S. I REALLY hope you didn't actually read this xD if so I'm really sorry about this."

Awesome right? Yeah I'm pretty great =.= I'll update you if he ever replies. Should be embarrassing if he does.