I wish I could say things out loud instead of typing.
Sometimes it just feels so overbearing to use so much of my brain at one time just for it to expel the nonsense it's constantly bombarded me with for so many years.
I've always known I'm deteriorating. Always.
You can claim other bullshit about abuse and what have you but I have never really felt like I should exist.
And honestly if you knew my story about robo-tripping at 20 in Cambridge you'd believe me.
It could be bipolar or DID or my officially diagnosed BPD. Maybe I have a whole fucking flock of mental fucked upness that no one could have seen because I'm just SO FUCKING NORMAL AND GOOD.
Considering my "normal" ness didn't last long after I hit puberty I'm surprised the "high-functioning" bit has worked this long...
When I read my old posts I realize that I really haven't done anything different.
I have made changes and at the same time I'm still making the same mistakes but to be fair there really isn't much choice for me.
I would like to spend a few minutes blaming those that love me.
This is where I wish I could talk instead.
I decided not to actually...
I'm not sure how to write this next part because I've written so many suicide notes. Is it an anti-suicide note?
I'm almost 30 (kind of). I have no idea how to process that. There's so much about me that I have never let another person know and it sucks thinking that this may be forever. Just constantly pretending I
"SURVIVED SUICIDE"
When really I just got a LOT of bad luck whenever I tried to go through with it and then pretended it was fine.
I want the voodoo doll Xaq made me put with me when Im hopefully creamated.
He was the only one who understood me completely and it sucked hearing everyone be horrible to him. Just because he made the worst decisions. I just hid mine better.
Ick I'm just writing another suicide note.
