Self evaluation

Maybe I seek out my own unhappiness. Ruining things that are good to seek out misery. 

Or am I just miserable regardless of my choices?

How much of it is my mental illness and how much is my unconscious desire to continue being in the same state I've always been?

Am I trying to get better or am I just abusing myself in a different way? 

Loneliness

 I honestly don't know what makes me think that I can escape myself for any length of time. I always end up back in the same place. I also think it's funny when I still can't be honest with myself even in some dumbass years old blog no one looks at. The amount of effort I put into denying any sort of genuine feelings I may have is ridiculous.

I make jokes about being crazy but I spend SO MUCH effort trying to convince myself and others that I'm not. 

I miss back when I had an "anonymous" commenter. At least then I knew someone actually saw who I was and gave a shit.

I'm whining. I fucking hate doing that.