Depression

   I don't know why I bother sometimes. I don't know why I care so much. I don't know how to organize these thoughts. I don't know what I feel and which of it is real. Am I real? I've been asked that before... I don't know how to answer that. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm here. Like right now. My hands are moving typing out the thoughts that flow through my head. But when nothing I do or say really matters then who's to say I exist? If I were to die eventually all memory of me would die too. 

   I don't know what I'm saying.

   I work then sleep and work again. 

   I'm not happy.

   I want to be. I don't know how to get back there again. I love him but I feel like I'm just waiting for him to get pissed off again or depressed. I play and have fun but I'm just waiting for the next bomb to fall.

   I feel like shit around him. And it's not just because of him. It's because of me. Because I can't forgive myself it's hurting him which in turn hurts me. It's like this never ending cycle of pain. I don't know how to break it because I know the only person I can never forgive is myself.

   The problem will never be that I don't care. I always care and usually care too much. I can't help it. Thank god no one actually reads these :3 I'd be so embarrassed. I suppose it helps quell the desire within me to whine and complain about this shit to someone without going against my nature of hiding it all.

   I wouldn't know what to say anyway...

   I suck at talking to people. I will jokingly say shit that's real. And hope they don't realize I mean it. I'm scared to let people close still. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid to get close to someone and they won't care as much about me as I do them. That's happened enough to me. I feel stupid. Even more by typing this lame shit down. I know there are people who won't judge me. And I guess a part of me hates them. I just want to slap them for trying to get me to believe in shit again. 

   I don't believe in anything really. The whole idea that you can achieve your dreams? Yeah I call bullshit. the idea that love is some magical thing that will shield you from pain? It tries and sometimes works but it's definitely not what I'd fall back on.

   The only thing I'll rely on is myself.

   Hello internet. Have you ever been super conflicted. In a "stuck between a rock and a hard place" kind of way? I seem to be there a lot myself. I don't know if it's because I'm dramatic or if I just really suck at desicion making. I also tend to want the wrong things even if I know it'll be bad for me so I can't always tell what SHOULD be the answer and what I just WANT to be the answer. 

   I am independent... Or at least i was. He is very dependant. Which drives me crazy sometimes. I love him and he loves me but sometimes I wonder if he really does or if he's just trying really hard too.

I wouldn't love me.

A New Cover from my Youtube Channel :3

Here you guys go. And by guys I mean no one. LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!  

memories

My phantom. What a perfect name for you. A silly endearment I made because of what you wrote on the wall when we first kissed. 'Forsaken' the perfect song, the lyrics once sweet now just a bitter reminder. I remember watching The Phantom of the Opera over and over just because it was your favorite. Funny enough I fell in love with it. I haven't watched it in over two years.

I still think of you I don't know why. Its like that favorite song stuck in your head you once loved but instead of being annoying it just hurts.

"What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat I'll be the fire that'll catch you."

I can't forget no matter how hard I try. I wish I could just go back to the hate I once had, but it faded away. "I don't miss you, I miss the misery."